paranonoia

A person's belief that any anonymous commenter on the Internet must actually be that person's worst enemy, out to embarrass them in front of the entire world, of which the vast majority is surely reading that very comment. A person suffering from paranonoia may be said to be "paranonoid."

Harvey's blood froze when he saw the anonymous comment on craigslist rants-and-raves warning women looking for male companions about a dark-haired man with a goatee with a tiny penis and the romantic skills of a wounded mallard who wouldn't even pay for dinner on a first date.

"Mildred! This must be from Mildred! This is nonsense! I left the entire tip! And this is a Van Dyke, not a goatee!"

He saw that his friend Bartholomew was online and initiated a chat with him. "Mildred is telling people that I have a tiny penis and am cheap and goateed! Here's proof!" He included a link to the defamatory comment and waited.

The response came back in just over two minutes: "Sir, there are about a quarter of a million men on the dating scene around here and half of them have facial hair. That could be anyone talking about anyone. Gird yourself. You are suffering from the worst case of paranonoia I've seen this week."