Subconjunctival Hemorrhage

Subconjunctival hemorrhage is a broken blood vessel in the eye caused by a lack of the following: vaginal intercourse, anal intercourse, cunnilingus, anilingus, kissing, flirting, fondling, hugging, and a lack of loving text messages from someone special.

The condition is self-resolving with an adequate amount of TLC from the appropriate person. Preferable done away from life, for a minimum of two nights...just you and me...secluded from the world.

Betty: Dude, my eye... I've got a bad case of subconjunctival hemorrhage thanks to you.
Bobby: Get your naked ass over to my house and I'll make it better.