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An escalator that is temporarily stairs.
An escalator can never break. It can only become stairs. You would never see an "Escalator Temporarily Out Of Order" sign, just "Escalator Temporarily Stairs. Sorry for the convenience."
-Mitch Hedberg
When you drank so much last night that you can't pronounce the letter N.
How you doin' this morning?
Dude, leave me alo', I got the world's worst haygover.
Watching a show you used to really like, but now you're on the last few seasons that are so bad it's become a chore to watch them, so you watch them all in one day to get it over with.
Monty: There's only 6 more episodes of Dexter left. We could finish the show tomorrow night.
Waylon: But the show's gotten so bad. Can't we just stop watching. We could go out and have fun instead of Cringe Watching some show we're both over.
Monty: No......I want to know how it ends.
Waylon: <Sigh> OK, at least it'll be over with.
Spending too much time and effort trying to get the infrared-activated sink to turn on. Up, down, left, right, repeat.
Man, the sink in the men’s room is awful. I just spent about 5 minutes blessing the sink.
Dad is very sorry but his paycheck for the last job won’t come in until January so we won’t have gifts on Dec. 25. They’ll be just a few weeks late I promise.
<Late December>
8yo Me: Dad, you’re so late. I missed you.
Best dad ever: I missed you too. Just trying to get this job done so I’ve been working late.
Me: but you won’t have to work Christmas like last year will ya?
BDE: No, son, I’ll be here. But since I didn’t finish the job I won’t get paid before Xmas. But I’ll get paid in a few weeks and we’ll celebrate then. Well just have a January Christmas. Ok?
Me: that’s fine dad. I understand.
Any food you ritually eat when you're not hungry but feel like eating for no reason.
Ethan: They say carrots are a bad stomach filler because they are surprisingly high in sugar.
Hawke: What's a "stomach filler"?
Ethan: Look it up on Urban Dictionary, you goddamn retard!
A fun and new way to refer to Alzheimer’s Disease
Mom (Pointing at her purse): Can you please hand me my... uhh...my, uhh.....
Son and Daughter simultaneously: Alzies!