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Sheena didn't want to get down last night until she found out I had a waterbed. That girl loves to sea cruise.
A method for quitting alcohol by smoking weed instead.
Vance: You want anything? There's beers in the fridge.
Joy: No thanks. I'm kinda high & dry these days.
Vance: Oh, well, there's a pipe in that drawer.
Joy: Cool.
Dad is very sorry but his paycheck for the last job wonât come in until January so we wonât have gifts on Dec. 25. Theyâll be just a few weeks late I promise.
<Late December>
8yo Me: Dad, youâre so late. I missed you.
Best dad ever: I missed you too. Just trying to get this job done so Iâve been working late.
Me: but you wonât have to work Christmas like last year will ya?
BDE: No, son, Iâll be here. But since I didnât finish the job I wonât get paid before Xmas. But Iâll get paid in a few weeks and weâll celebrate then. Well just have a January Christmas. Ok?
Me: thatâs fine dad. I understand.
An escalator that is temporarily stairs.
An escalator can never break. It can only become stairs. You would never see an "Escalator Temporarily Out Of Order" sign, just "Escalator Temporarily Stairs. Sorry for the convenience."
-Mitch Hedberg
Watching a show you used to really like, but now you're on the last few seasons that are so bad it's become a chore to watch them, so you watch them all in one day to get it over with.
Monty: There's only 6 more episodes of Dexter left. We could finish the show tomorrow night.
Waylon: But the show's gotten so bad. Can't we just stop watching. We could go out and have fun instead of Cringe Watching some show we're both over.
Monty: No......I want to know how it ends.
Waylon: <Sigh> OK, at least it'll be over with.
Spending too much time and effort trying to get the infrared-activated sink to turn on. Up, down, left, right, repeat.
Man, the sink in the menâs room is awful. I just spent about 5 minutes blessing the sink.
When you drank so much last night that you can't pronounce the letter N.
How you doin' this morning?
Dude, leave me alo', I got the world's worst haygover.