Chuttocks

Excessively fat jowels that hang from the face and meet under the chin in a cleavage reminiscent of a huge arse.

'My 28 stone wife has enormous chuttocks. If it wasn't for her endless talking, I'd never know which end is which.'

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Shuftee

Noun and Verb.

N: A shuftee - sexual deviant (of either sex) who gains gratification from sniffing recently-used ladies bicycle saddles in hot weather.

Vb: To shuftee - To place the flared nostrils on the horn of a freshly-used ladies bicycle saddle on a sweltering hot day, inhale deeply through the nose and collapse in a miasma of orgasmic delight.

N:
'Just look at him coming all over her rear mudguard: the filthy shuftee'

Vb:
'How dare you shuftee my Raleigh Superior!'
'Is it yours, Miss Widdecombe? Oh God - I thought it belonged to Miss Lumley.'

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Blanket Crawler

An insatiable cum-guzzling nympho who, not satisfied with a generous mouthful, dives under the blankets foraging for any stray jism blobs (sometimes next morning).

Peregrine: 'I'm worried about our sex life. Lady Isobel keeps disappearing under the bedclothes.'

Quentain: 'Don't be. She's probably a blanket crawler.'

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Crying Wolf

1: Some women's irritating habit of regulary shouting out: 'Wolf! Wolf!'

2: A wolf that has just missed out on its lunch of Red Riding Hood and has tears in its eyes.

Man: 'Stop crying Wolf! Wolf!'

Woman: 'I'm not, you tosser. It's Fido going Woof! Woof!'

Man: 'I hate false alarms. Get him some eloquotion lessons.'

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Whang

The subtle female bouquet - reminiscent of fish - resulting from an excess of old vaginal mucus. Sometimes found on ladies bicycle saddles in hot weather Shufti.

'Well Rupert; from the delightful aroma from the kitchen, I thought we were having fish for supper.'

'No, Claude: it's pheasant old boy. What you can smell is Lady Constance's whang. Quite mackerelly today, don't ya think?'

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Gronion

Pronounced like onion with 'Gr' in front, and usually in the plural.

Singular: - A left (or right) sailor's testicle that has been grossly inflated by a true 'blow' job in some stinking back-street Asian or Arab port during shore leave.

Plural - (Gronions) The worst scenario. Both balls about to explode through over-inflation, usually brought about by the aforesaid vicious fellatio, but with the added intervention of the house madam sticking a finger up the rectum at the same time.

Ship's Doctor:

'You seem to have a severe case of the Gronions'.

Sailor:

'Is there any cure?'

Ship's Doctor:

'No; but if you're willing, I suggest you donate one to Arsenal and the other to Man. U.'

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Naturally

1: A term people use when they mean the exact opposite.

2: The perfect get-out in tricky conversations.

1:
'Where, on earth, did you manage to find naturally produced meat balls, Fiona?'

'In Sainsburys.'

2:
'I assume you've remembered me in your will?'

'Naturally.'

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