piss pasty

Used disposable nappy. Once folded into place with the velcrow wings secured it resembles a product from the Ginsters range.

While you're up their would you empty the nappy bin - it's
solid with 'piss pastys'

10👍 6👎

bowel howl

A Fart: A fart of specific audiophonic quality, a long melancholy sound with a gradual drop in tone identical to the howl of a wolf

It was a still moonlit night, my last meal contained raw onions, the dusty old house lay silent. Out of respect for partner I lay on my side pulled back the duvet, letting out
a spectacular 'bowel howl' the likes of which would inspire a novel by Sir Arthur Conan Doyle.

8👍 1👎

brown fudge sunday

No....not a mis-spelling. A day of the week upon which you should be afforded rest and relaxation, but due to the fact that you have three children under four years of age you spend that day packing a despatching shit pastys into the nappy bin.

"Hey come on, I've done six today already - you have a go,
I'm just having a brown fudge sunday and bugger all else"

4👍 7👎

pseudo good

'Pseudo Good' is an event that you feel good or happy about but only because it has deceived you into thinking it is good. The good was only a possibility - but it turned out to be nothing.

Pseudo Good is the opium of life, it keeps you positive, it usually does not amount to 'actual good' but by then you have forgotten how lame the Pseudo Good was and you happliy swallow the next load of Pseudo Good, just like a gold fish biting at nothing because its memory is too short to remember that nothing doesn't taste of anything.

I'm so happy that x girl at college is starting to be friendly with me! - Six weeks later she blanks me because she only wanted to get a lift with me to classes. It was only Pseudo Good.

I'm so happy - the boss wants a meeting with me next week about the managers job - Turns out he just wanted me to cover the vacancy until someone more experienced replys to the job add. It was only Pseudo Good.

I'm so happy x company wants to buy our stuff, all my hard sales work has paid off!! - turns out that their previous supplier had put them on stop due to non payment because they have no money and now they are going bust owing us thousnads and we are probably going to go bust too. It was only Pseudo Good.

I'm so happy - I've just voted for a new government - (Insert outcome here)

2👍 3👎

Brexititis

A neurological condition whereby the patient's real personality is suddenly revealed by their simple loss of ability to accept views different to their own, Leave or Remain, to the point at which they suspend all respect for others and then enter into raised levels of judgement and hatred creating social division.

Signs include excess heat, hot sunken eyes, redness, finger poking, increased volume, pronounced veins, general appearance of shitty indignation and judgemental and personal posting on social media including memes that are borderline legal.

Brexititis can be highly contagious in closed circles such as pubs, market stalls, farms, small businesses, school staff rooms and hospitals and is more prevalent among people aged 30+. Bed rest is the only cure - hence young people tend never to catch it in the first place.

They were having a stimulating conversation and then someone said, "What do you reckon to the referendum?". Immigration was then discussed whereupon several people exhibited an episode of Brexititis.

9👍 4👎

indirect fart

Draconian punishment for the fussy girfriend who keeps complaining about your unavoidabe flatulence, and who keeps escaping when you try to hold her head under the blanket.

A rich fart is released silently into your hand, you expell all air from your lungs then breath in the fart from your closed hand. You now make an amorous approach and breath the fart into her face / mouth as you kiss her. This will cure the problem as she WILL leave you. Failing this you repeat the procedure but first you bite strips of of your fingernails and wedge them between your teeth - an "indirect fart with nails"

I gave her an indirect fart

13👍 11👎

builder's inspection

Unprofessional behaviour by domestic builders whereby during their lunch break they ALWAYS inspect the contents of the underwear drawer of an absent home owner especially if she is a real honey. Passing the items round they mentally picture her wearing them....I'm told...by numerous building acquaintances.

"Arrrrrrrrgh !!! You make sure you lock those fucking monkies out when you leave tomorrow"

"Why ????? They're doing great with the conservatory"

"BECAUSE David, they've held a fucking Builder's Inspection - that's why....I can tell"

6👍 3👎