Lauren

Lauren is in fact, despite her conservative garb and the innocent appearance she cultivates, an Evil and Depraved Person. She is also, almost certainly, a Witch. Beneath her pale, fragile exterior lurks a sinister soul that loves playing Bananagrams with her friends, harbours a twisted appreciation for Bob Ross and his paintings, and possesses an unironic fondness for cats (!!!). This warped individual also works full-time as a Content Manager(!), lives contentedly by herself(!), dresses sometimes in dark colours(!), seems unashamed of her red hair(!), and wears, occasionally, a hat (!!!). Lauren appears to spend much of her free time reading books (witch!), tending to her plants (witch), winning at board games with her friends (witch), keeping her apartment clean and tidy, probably with the use of a broom (witch), and having the occasional glass of red wine (witch). She also probably occupies her time casting spells on people (witch) and, if chucked in a lake, would probably float like a duck. (Unless she decided to fly away. Which there isn't a law against her doing, but which would definitely be a Witch Thing For Her To Do).

Hence Lauren is, all things told, in fact an Evil Nefarious Being. Everyone else has it wrong about her. Avoid Lauren if you're not a Keen-eyed Gentleman of Discernment who's providentially resistant to her charms and spells!

1.
A: Hey Charles, was really sorry to hear you've not been able to find any work and that your car and belongings have been repossessed- are you alright?
B: No need to pretend to care, Lauren. No one else does, and at any rate I don't care what others think. I know thee for what thou truly art, false-hearted enchantress!
A: ... Ok wait, wha-
B: WITCH!

2.
A: I get it; I have red hair. But-
B: WITCH!

3.
A: I don't quite see why you think I'm a witch though. Are you quite certain you've taken your medica-
B: Doesn't matter Lauren if I've taken my meds; not relevant. WITCH!

4.
A: Alright Charles, you win. I see there's no deceiving such a skilled observer of the carnival that is life as yourself. I admit it: I am a witch. Tell me, what gave me away?
B: Thou needn't be too hard on thyself, Lauren. People are always saying that I see things that no one else sees. The wart upon thy nose gave thee away
A: Oh. Huh. Indeed. Just one thing though- I, er, don't have a wart on my nose?
B: Look; whatever, Lauren. Inquisiting Discernerer that I am, some things I just know, ok? Good. Now, if you'll excuse me, I've a salamander I need to feed slices of broiled pineapple to, whilst dancing a jig by the fulgent light of the waning gibbous moon. Go thy ways, weird woman. Aroint thee!

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