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A case of cancer bestowed upon a person, by the universe, in retribution for being an asshole. The severity, prognosis, and degree of suffering endured by the deserving victim are in direct proportion to the scale and egregiousness of the victim's history of being an asshole. The majority of cases are not terminal, suggesting that universe intends these cases to be painful and expensive wake-up calls for the affected assholes. In terminal cases of Karmacinoma, it appears that the universe is unleashing its oncogenic wrath as a means of purging the most flagrant assholes from society.
Upon contracting Karmacinoma, no acts of contrition, apologies, or promises to modify behavior have been shown to mitigate the severity or duration of the disease. In cases where the victim survives the illness, such acts and sustained follow-though on them have been shown to extend remission, often indefinitely. Recurrent cases of Karmacinoma carry a 100% terminal prognosis, a clear indication that the universe does not appreciate disregard of a clear and intended wake-up call.
Research has concluded that there is some minimum threshold of being an asshole that must be exceeded before the universe metes out its malignant vengeance on a target victim, suggesting that the universe tolerates some level of asshole behavior. This finding is supported by the empirical observation that every single person is an asshole occasionally, yet not everyone has cancer.
Halpert: Hey, Pam, I just heard that Michael Scott was diagnosed with cancer.
Beesly: Yea, it's bad, Jim. They're saying it's terminal.
Halpert: Any word on what kind of cancer?
Beesly: Stage 4 Karmacinoma.
Halpert: It figures. That guy was such a major asshole.
The means by which human resources "professionals" anonymously and surgically eliminate candidates from the recruiting process, often while sipping soy lattes and watching BDSM porn in the comfort of their well-appointed offices.
The acronym "ATS" refers, of course, to the multitude of automated "applicant tracking systems" used by many employers to dehumanize the recruiting process and subject applicants to cruel and unusual forms of torture, including having to re-enter their entire resumes in tiny little fields after having uploaded a perfectly acceptable resume document.
Scully: "Hey Mulder, whatever happened with that job you applied for that seemed a perfect match for your awesome skills?"
Mulder: "Thanks for asking Scully, but I was the victim of an ATS Drone Strike."
Scully: "Those bastards!"
A pompous job title self-servingly contrived by human resource (HR) "professionals" to be applied to themselves, obviously intended to justify the existence and further expansion of the HR function within business organizations. A further objective of this ruse appears to be propagation of the illusion that the HR function possesses a holistic grasp of broader strategic issues facing the organization enabling it to contribute expanded economic value and thereby providing justification for elevated compensation demands for HR staff.
A look at online job advertisements will confirm that the use of this title is spreading faster than a California wildfire, giving credence to the notion that this scheme was recently cooked up in some HR industry association initiative as a way to rebrand HR "professionals" as being more than the administrative paper pushers they, in fact, are.
The absurdity of this inflated moniker is further appreciated when one considers that no other functions appear to have widely implemented similar titles in their functions. For example, one seldom sees job postings for bizarre titles such as "engineering business partner", "sales business partner", or "legal business partner".
Castle: "Hey Russo, what's with that new idiotic title of yours I saw on LinkedIn? Human Resources Business Partner? You've got to be kidding me."
Russo: "Come on Frank, it's a title to reflect the greater value I bring to the business."
Castle: "Jesus, Billy, you and I both know you that you don't know a damn thing about business and that the only reason youâre in HR is because you flunked out of all the other departments."
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