Crossfit Strong

"Crossfit Strong" is very much like being "Weightwatchers Thin", i.e. you might think you're hot shit, but out in the real world, you're 2 milkshakes away from greenpeace pushing you back into the ocean like the overbloated land cetacean that you have become.

With their total lack of linear or otherwise strength progression programming, and instead random, jerking, as-fast-as-fucking-possible and fuck the form, exercise, your average crossfitter will build the kind of strength that would impress a whole playground full of 8 year olds. Until the 10 year olds turned up and out-lifted them (whilst using vastly superior form).

You might think half-squatting a PVC pipe 30 times is impressive, if you're surrounded by similar white, middle class, cult-buddies. You'll probably harp on with some old bullshit about "functional strength", as if there is a way of being strong that is somehow useless. You might even be arrogant enough to equate throwing barbells around, without any form of programming, to a lifetime of hard graft and labour, and claim you have a similar base of strength. Let me tell you, Cultfitters. Any farmer aged 8 and up will outlift your skinny, DYEL, wet bag, rotator cuff worrying, carb depleted bullshit.

Weightlifter: 'Dude, why are you throwing your legs around while you do a pullup? You realise that doesn't actually work the muscles you're trying to target any better right? And in fact may increase the stress on your shoulder joints, right?'

Crossfitter: 'But I'm Crossfit Strong! Plus... I can't really do a strict form pull up'.

Weightlifter: 'Well you could work on that, become stronger until you can do a whole bunch?'

Crossfitter: 'No! That's ok, I just like to turn up and do a random bunch of exercises without any thought to what my goals or objectives are, you know, apart from doing it all FASTER!'.

Weightlifter: 'Ok. The adult weights are over in the corner if you'd like to join me, I'll be deadlifting with PROPER FORM and NOT FOR TIME 3x what you lift, in the corner. Come join me when your rotator cuffs are healed'.

Crossfitter: 'INSERT CROSSFIT HQ MANTRA

97👍 16👎

Crossfitter

A person who likes to be average at everything, and good at nothing. A person who exercises often, so that they can get better at exercise. Someone who puts in many hours of effort, without understanding the difference between training and exercise.

Important facets of a crossfitter are: self-righteousness (they think they invented barbell training, HIIT and circuit training), conformity (oh, we have to get the £90 reebok trainers and wear pull-up socks? Mkay) and delusion (oh, your warmup is my workout? Really? Do you even lift?).

Most importantly a crossfitter is unable to tell the difference between criticism aimed at an over bloated organisation that promotes under-trained 'coaches' teaching people to complete complex olympic lifts, whilst fatigued, as fast as possible, and themselves.

Guy 1: 'Where the fuck has Dave been? I've not seen him in ages. All I see on facebook is posts about WADS or something, and he hangs around with these douche looking people with tribal tattoos who seem unable to keep their shirts on'

Guy 2: 'Oh, hes a crossfitter now. He should be back in about 9 months to a year.. Or however long it takes him to tear his rotator cuff then realise crossfit is a massive cult and he has the strength of a 11 year old girl'

313👍 223👎