Choate

An institution to house the mentally deficient. Overrun with children whose parents no longer want to have to put up with them. Synonymous with “hell-hole”. Even though considered a preparatory school, it is looked down upon by the more prestigious schools. Choate may be well-known around the world, but only because so many people go there, i.e. the 26% acceptance rate. Choate’s successes are not counted in their alumni or academic honors, but in the number of hot dogs consumed on average daily in the dining hall. There is a general lack of personal hygiene, both for the students, and their environment. Regardless of the socio-economic standard discipline is lacking, and the majority of alumni, well, you can’t really call them alumni, they never left the school. Choate has now gone from a 9-12 boarding school, to a care facility for the mentally ill and deficient. While this may all sound daunting, there is some silver-lining. At their last curling match, their star athlete managed to hold off the 956th ranked special Olympian, with his final toss, he managed to overcome his opponent, setting a school record for least losses in a season, making his record 1-64. He shattered the previous record by over 50 losses, which was the chess team, which went on a record-setting season in ’87, their record standing at 1-134. Choate, while not renowned for their academics or their athletics, may be the choice for your child, if you just don’t want to see him anymore.

"Did you hear about that alumnus from Choate?"
"You mean the one who was caught selling pot to 3-year-olds?"
"Yeah"
"I almost went to Choate, but then decided that I wanted to get out of Juvie and change my life!"
"Way to make the good decision!"

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