Midget Dick

(n) - In a workplace setting, a proposal with which the proposing party is obsessively infatuated in spite of the fact that the idea obviously lacks commercial, technical or intellectual merit. The term "midget dick" is especially appropriate to proposals advanced by leadership, because the Napoleonic height of the midget is implicitly compared to the leadership of the proposing party. Midget dick proposals are usually implemented only if the midget is sufficiently powerful that coworkers are unwilling to point out the obvious deficiencies.

The customers are going to make fun of the latest midget dick from our product manager, but nobody's willing to stop her because she's sleeping with the boss.

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Zooperb

Adjective - in a state of complete disorder such that it appears that the situation is being directed by angry baboons.

The thing that's making my schedule so zooperb these days is that the guys who are complaining about the timeliness of my work product are the same guys who are refusing to let me start work until they sign off on the proposals and recommendations that have been rotting on their desks for the past two months.

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Turd pump

(noun) - the action or systems necessary to compensate for a work environment in which authority to resolve a problem is chronically pushed up to the apex of an organization and accountability for having the problem solved is pushed down to the organization's lowest-ranking members.

Turd pumping, which is the verb form, is normally encouraged by punishing the subordinate worker for the non-compliance of his superiors.

Etymology: Because shit only flows downhill, anybody trying to make shit flow uphill must be using a pump.

Example 1: In a restaurant, the servers are made responsible for customer satisfaction but are denied the authority to order the kitchen to reheat cold food. One turd-pump method is to ask the waitress who is sleeping with the manager to take the food back to the kitchen for reheat.

Use in sentence: Janet can turd pump that steak back through the kitchen for you because the chef knows that the boss is hiding the sausage in her pantry.

Example 2 (use in sentence): Subordinate worker "begging for review" of document that subordinate worker is not allowed to file or submit to clients until the documents are reviewed by a superior, where the subordinate will be punished if results are not timely.

Use in sentence: The reason that Liu can't the client's assignment out on time is that you need a 3-phase turd pump to get the partners to sign anything this week.

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Fail Pong

(N) A situation in which multiple levels of the chain of authority recurringly issue conflicting instructions or directives for appropriate action and punish any the inevitable resulting violations. Whichever side of the subordinate lands on, he will get the crap knocked out of him by someone.

This job is total fail pong. I go to the boss and tell him the solution is Y. The boss orders me to do X. I then get an email from the boss's boss asking why the fuck I did X instead of Y, and then I get bitched out by the client. No matter which way you go, you're screwed.

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Downside equity

(noun) - an asymmetrical business arrangement, usually in employment, where the risks of loss are concentrated on the employee to ensure that the employee has guaranteed losses on any business reversals and contingent returns on any positive developments.

You have mountains of downside equity in that contract. The partners can deduct from your paycheck to make you eat the cost of delays that the partners exclusively control. They can swallow your commission if their client doesn't pay. They can even recapture from your future salary any underpayment with the negative carry-forward that they've imposed. On the whole, you're just a sharecropper with a JD.

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Bonebait

Bonebait - a junior coworker who is so hot that her superiors would gladly risk their employment and a sexual harassment lawsuit in exchange for a sexual encounter with her

Example one: So, I'm sitting in the breakroom, pouring a cup of coffee, when that pile of smokin' bonebait that you call a secretary walks in. I poured her a cup, and she starts telling me about how bad her marriage is, and I thought, "Wow, half the lawyers in this town would gladly get a second divorce for a shot at this."

Example two: Yeah, your secretary looks pretty good... for her age... but you know that, twenty years ago, she was total bonebait.

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ESD

ESD - publicly acceptable shorthand for the sentence, "Eat shit and die." Commonly followed by a proper noun of address. Typically used in situations where the word shit is not allowed to be used, or where the available number of display characters is limited, e.g. license plates and public signs.

Mr. Jones, I want you to go into the lounge of the common area at Walton Hall tonight and write on the chalkboard, "ESDW. XOXO, H."

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