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A monkey who has ADHD, hyped up on a quart of Red Bull shots, and has a high powered fire hose. It is also inside of a Tesla cage, a metal cage charged with 20,000 volts of electricity that can only go outside of the cage, not in. This arrangement produces a highly random series of lightning bolts in all directions. The speed at which the monkey moves has been known to violate Einstein's theory of relativity by breaking the speed of light barrier. With the inclusion of a small black hole, the monkey then has infinite negative mass and infinite negative gravity, so nothing, not even light, can reach the monkey to destroy it. Electromonkeys are best suited for unleashing on internet trolls or perverts in chat rooms.
You: Why hello. How are you today?
Troll: asl?
You: UNLEASH THE ELECTROMONKEY!
Troll: lolwut? That's so stupi- AAAAAAAHHHHHHH THE PAIN AND AGONY!
7👍 1👎
The unfortunate result when you try to type "google.com" with your fingers one key to the right. Very frustrating when you try to visit google real quick and end up with an error. More common when typing on a laptop in a semi-tilted position, i.e. laying down and typing with the keyboard off to one side. Similar to "fiifkw,xin" the same occurrence when the fingers are one key to the left.
-Select address bar-
-try to type "google.com" while distracted-
-hit enter-
-see error screen-
-notice you typed "hpph;r/vp,"-
-frustratingly utter expletive-
311👍 26👎
The belief that the universe is just the creation of an extra-dimensional alien. This was his mid-term project for his 3rd grade quantum universal creation class, and he got an F on it. (One of the requirements was for the people inside not to kill each other worshiping him.)
Person A: If god is so all-knowing, why do we all kill each other in wars?
Person B: Because god is just a D-average alien. I propose that we turn against him and find a way to pilot a ship outside of the universe and into his eye. Hopefully, he has allergies and we'll cause him great discomfort.
Person C: Can we make him sneeze with tactical nukes?
Person B: Sure! Why not?
Person C: FAILISM FTW!
13👍 1👎
Former grandmaster of the universe.
Once upon a time, in a mad quest for the perfect human, some scientist brought the single-celled common ancestor of life back from the past. Then he grew it, along with human stem cells, into Howie. Howie could do anything at all, he had complete control of the universe, and was a cruel grandmaster of everything. He could win a chess game in one move....he could spontaneously create life....and destroy an object of any mass with a roundhouse kick. He would often torture his subjects for sheer amusement. But he had one weakness....even he could not divide by zero. In order to prevent his power from being undermined, he created the asymptote to occupy this paradoxical place and keep people from getting into it. Then, one day, Howie spotted Stephen Hawking. He knew that he held the key to making his power absolute...so he extracted Hawking's motor cortex (that's why he's paralyzed) and used it to grow a brain for his new son, who was an exact clone of him. Once his son taught him how to divide by zero, he would merely dispose of him. This son was Chuck Norris. Chuck Norris inherited all of Howie's abilities, and began his studies of zero division. He found the answer after 3 months, 14 days, 1 hour, and 59 minutes. (Continued in example)
(Continued)However, when he entered his father's study to give him the answer, Howie was not there, and his journal was on the desk. Chuck learned from Howie's journal his plan to kill him once he gave him the answer. He also realized that he could rebel against his cruel father and mentor, thus freeing the world from his tyranny. To do this, he brought Howie to the Forbidden Asymptote, with the promise to teach him the Final Secret of zero division. But Chuck, knowing the Secret, stepped into the Asymptote, and Howie could not follow him. Then, he delivered The Roundhouse Kick that liberated the universe. Howie fell off of his mathematical throne, and is now banished to crawl the earth, naked, dirty, and screaming in agony, trying to get into a house and regain power. It is the duty of humanity to NEVER let him in!
179👍 90👎