Championed

When an officer or superior in your chain of command plays constant pranks and/or continually harasses his/her inferior, making it difficult for said inferior to work or function properly. Named for the harassment one suffers under the rule of CPT Champion.

SPC Green was championed all day while he was trying to work in the aid station. He was very unproductive due to being championed so much.

Tiny Heart Syndrome

Noun \ˈtī-nē ˈhärt ˈsin-ˌdrōm also -drəm \

Severe clinical condition in which the affected does not have the resolve to complete a task that has become mildly to moderately challenging. Often seen when one attempts physical activity or a mentally taxing task like texting whole words or adding without a calculator. The only known cures for THS are forced toughening activities (i.e. barefoot 25 mile road marches, playing tag with porcupines, 10 mile runs at a 7 mile/min pace in a minefield, stealing food from a pride of hungry lions, chewing aluminum foil etc.)

“Where is Mike? “

“His Tiny Heart Syndrome kicked in and he crashed on a log with a bag of Cheetos.”

“WTF? We’ve been walking 5 min. We just left the parking lot.”

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urdepression

Feelings of sadness, angst, worthlessness and/or lugubriousness that one often suffers after searching for a term to describe their own or another’s mood on Urban Dictionary and coming out empty handed. Usually a process that takes hours of searching to develop; this syndrome exhibits many of the signs of classical depression, but is usually short lived. It is often preceded by statements such as “just one more click” and “I can’t believe I’m still on here”.

Brandon searched on Urban Dictionarry for hours and couldn't find what he wanted. Now he's suffering from a severe case of urdepression and won't get out of his bed.

Crying Baby Syndrome

Noun \ˈkrī-iŋ ˈbā-bē ˈsin-ˌdrōm also -drəm\

Severe medical condition in which symptoms that would normally leave a reasonable person unfazed distress the affected patient to a remarkable degree. Often typified by symptoms that don’t make sense together and/or change or intensify with each round of questioning or when another healthcare provider enters the room. CBS is generally treated with a prescription-strength straw (to suck it up) and/ or a double dose of M.T.F.U. (man the f^@# up ).

Medic/Nurse: “Welcome to the Emergency Department. How can I help you?”

Random Whiner “Yeah… um I have a really bad paper cut on my finger. And my left eye is very itchy. Oh, and I think I pulled my spleen. It hurts. A lot. But not as bad as the paper cut. I am most definitely dying.”

Medic/Nurse: “Okay then. One moment,” *turns to Doc* “Looks like another case of Crying Baby Syndrome. We’re going to run out of straws at this rate!”

Medical Emergency

Noun \i-ˈmər-jənt-sē\

1. An unexpected and usually dangerous health related situation that calls for immediate action.

2. A patient requiring urgent and immediate medical attention

3. An occurrence or condition which prevents one from being capable of performing the duties of their job and/or living because of impending threat to their visual acuity, extremity locomotion or core autonomic respiratory and circulatory functions (aside from a severe case of Crying Baby Syndrome CBS)
In short: LIFE, LIMB or EYESIGHT

If you do not meet one of the definitions above, your situation is NOT an emergency and can wait until the primary care provider's office opens. Additionally, if you had the time to read this entire sign, you are most likely not an emergent patient.

*Frantic knocking on door*

Medic: "It's 0236. What's the medical emergency?"

Random Whiner: "Doc, I've got a bad cough and I stubbed my toe..."

Medic: "You... Cough. . . Toe. . ."

*Grabs weapon, chambers round*

Random Whiner: "Erm..." *runs away quickly*

Medic: "Feelin better now, eh?"