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Officially, the misuse of employer provided e - mail.
Practically, something that you get accused of when your work want you to leave / block a promotion / sack people without paying redundancy costs etc.
Usually ends with being hit with the disciplinary hammer, generally with a view to sacking your ass.
Employee is called to a meeting and presented with a pile of e - mails.
Manager:
We've audited your inbox and these e - mails are completely unacceptable and represent e - mail abuse and a breach of the Code of Conduct.
What did you mean when you wrote 'I'd smack that back door' when writing about my PA?
HR Manager:
Think carefully about your answer. Sexual Harrasment and non work usage of electronic media is a dismissable offence.
Employee:
I was referring to her great ass and saying I'd like to show it love. I thought it was flattering.
Manager:
That's not an appropriate way to behave in a disciplinary hearing.
HR Manager:
I refer you to your e - mail asking Joe if he had seen the murmur pants on display in Finance. What are murmur pants?
Employee:
You should know. You told me.
HR Manager:
This isn't about me.
Employee:
It's a tight pair of female pants that mean you can see the lips moving but you can't hear a sound.
Is there any point in continuing this discussion?
HR Manager & Manager
No
11👍 1👎
A complete and utter result where you get to leave your mundane job behind and 'focus on your career' (that's find another McJob to normal people) with the added bonus of a payout not to do the job you hate any more.
Officially, there's a selection pool but it'll generally be determined by how pissed off your manager is with you when 'efficiency savings' (that's lay offs to us normal people) need to be made.
The best modern use of the phrase 'crying all the way to the bank'.
Employee is called into a room:
Manager: Profits have fallen and we need to make some efficiency savings. Unfortunately (this is shit, your boss doesnt give a fuck about you) your post has been selected for redundancy.
Employee: Oh no. This is terrible news.
Will you pay my notice in lieu?
Manager: Yes
Employee: What's the payout?
Manager: A month for every year of service. You'll get £20,000 tax free.
________________________________________________
Employee finds another job and has a pile of cash in their account.
9👍 4👎
Something you'll be called to at some point during your working life.
It'll be sold to you as an opportunity to state your case, but in reality the outcome will have been decided weeks before you go to the meeting.
You are strongly advised to take appropriate action and treat the hearing with the scorn and derision it deserves.
HR Manager:
We investegated our concerns that you'd been sleeping with our new secretary in the stationery cupboard and found grounds to convene a disciplinary hearing. Do you have anything to say?
Employee:
Man, she was a Brett Hart - the best there was, the best there is and the best there ever will be.
HR Manager:
I don't think you realise the seriousness of the allegations against you. I'd suggest you reconsider your comments.
Employee:
Do you think there's enough room to fit a four poster bed in there?
The floor's uncomfortable.
HR Manager escorts employee off the premises.
Manager:
Do you think he knew he was screwed before the meeting?
HR Manager:
Sounds like he was well screwed. That secretary looks like a dirty slut. I'm already looking forward to 'discipling' her.
A now extinct form of making other people wealthy. b. Industrial Revolution d. 2008.
Times have changed and now entire countries are being bankrupted for this purpose.
Have you got a job yet?
*sounds of scorn, mockery and derision*
85👍 13👎
A process where some cunt you're forced to spend far too much time with sits you down and wastes an hour of your life every year telling you how wonderful they are and how rubbish you are in order to justify their own meaningless existence and make them feel powerful.
The degree of shit you'll receive generally depends on how well you've covered up the cunt's mistakes over the year and also depends on how brown your tongue is from ass licking over the year.
To be treated with utter contempt unless you are a brown tongued ass licker in which case you can fuck off. PS your colleagues hate you.
Manager: It's time for your Performance Review
Employee: Woo! I can't wait for this valuable loopback session!
Fast forward for an hour:
Manager: So in summary, you've met all of your objectives all year and been a key member of the team. We're not giving you a pay award however as you've had a haircut that was outside of our dress code and appearance policy and took a day off when your father died and expected to be paid for it.
13👍 3👎