half dead

What you and yo mamma are gonna be after I open up a can of whoopass on ya!

You fool! I'm gonna whup you and yo mamma half dead!

beat you to oblivion

To savagely beat someone beyond the mere confines of life and death, to a point where an inter-dimensional portal opens up and, in a blinding maelstrom hot as a supernova, sweeps the carcass of the beaten person up into the atmosphere, breaking all known laws of physics, and leaving no trace of the beaten person behind.

Sapphire: "Get down to the store, we need some groceries."
Kingfish: "Uh, I lost all my money at the racetrack."
Sapphire (grabbing a rolling pin): "I'm gonna beat you to oblivion!"

beat you to a pulp

To beat someone so bad that they completely lose control of their body; causing their brains to run out of their head, the snot to run out of their nose, the piss to run out of their penis, and the shit to run out of their ass. The beating culminates as the person withers into a pulp and their pants fall down into a disgusting spew of brains, snot, piss, and shit. The beating concludes by certifying the person as a complete personal failure by uploading humiliating photos and videos of them to social media.

I’m gonna come over there and beat you to a pulp!

7👍 2👎

Kick your butt to Timbuktu

To open up a can of whup ass on someone and kick their ass so hard that their carcass gets carried across the ocean by the trade winds before landing with a sickening thud in the main town square in Timbuktu. The person spits open and the withers into a pulp as their pants fall down into a disgusting spew of their brains, snot, piss, and shit. The locals celebrate by uploading humiliating photos and videos of the person to social media followed by feeding their entrails to hyenas for good fortune.

I’m gonna kick your butt to Timbuktu!

1👍 1👎

break every bone in your body

To open up a can of whoop ass on someone and then, while sitting back with a nice bottle of wine, proceed to sadistically snap all 106 bones in their body, about one every 20 minutes or so, thereby inflicting nearly insufferable agony and forcing the person take their meals through a tube for the rest of their miserable, now useless life.

Ricky: Lucy, what’d you do, making out with Ethel?
Lucy: Oh Ricky, it was the only way Ethel could get her allowance from Fred!
Ricky: Ay caramba! I’m gonna break every bone in your body!
Lucy: Waugh!

beat you broke

To beat someone so bad it causes the change in their pocket and the cash in their wallet to fall out, the loss of all their investments and belongings, and to continue pummeling the person to total financial ruin where they owe the total world debt, approximately $190 trillion.

Barney: “Look, I got a two dollar winner”.

Andy: “I’m gonna beat you broke and send you the bill!”

Masturbate Theater

A TV show that losers watch to beat off to low-cut Victorian corsets and fade-out sex scenes on PBS Masterpiece, formerly known as Masterpiece Theater.

Derek: Are coming down to the bar Sunday night?

Alistair: Nah, I’m gonna lay back and unzip for Jane Austen on Masturbate Theater.