Five dollar foot long

When a guy doesn't have much money, but he's got a big dick.

Girl: "I've been hanging around this new guy lately... he can't pay my bills, but his dick is enormous."
Other girl: "Ah, sounds like a total five dollar foot long."

9👍 2👎

Dutch Boy

(Noun) A man who is really supremely nice and innocent. Usually someone's devoted, loving husband, who tells his wife how much he loves her every day (and means it). The type of guy who you would vote to be mayor, and know that he would actually be a good person in political office. There is nothing bad to say about this person, although people like to make a point to say how he's so freaking nice, as though it were a bad thing. You would assume his shit don't stank. Likely to marry a Canadian because they are also very nice people.

Emily: "Evan's going to be one of the judges at the lingerie show this Friday!"

Daphne: "Really? But he's such a Dutch boy."

Emily: "lol, I know, he'll definitely be the nicest judge. By the way, I'm seeing my family in Toronto soon."

canadian nice guy dutch sweet

25👍 8👎

Duck

What the iPhone autocorrects "fuck" to, when never do you ever actually mean to type "duck".

Guy texting: "baby, I'm going to duck the shit out of you later."

Girl texting: "please tell me you mean fuck...?"

Guy texting: "ugh, yes. Ducking Siri."

81👍 27👎

emirate

when you mean "am I right" as in "amirite" but autocorrect thinks you mean "emirate" as in "United Arab Emirates"

I'm looking pretty fly in my new jeans emirate????

5👍 4👎

accidental neckbeardism

When one employs the well-intentioned albeit condescending misogynism of a neckbeard by mistake, often through a misunderstanding that occurs through timing or coincidence.

Woke guy #1: Just left rehearsal for Fiddler on the Roof and still had my fedora on. Went to fix it as this woman walked by me, and I'm pretty sure she thought I was tipping my hat to her.

Woke guy #2: Man, what an accidental neckbeardism. Bet you just want to die.

Ba-da liki mala da shini malaga

A great way to wrap up a rambling drunken voicemail to someone. When executed properly, you will achieve three things:

1- You will appear to be actually smarter than the recipient, because they will assume you either speak another language they have never heard, or are referencing pop culture they are unaware of
2- The rest of your idiocy in your message will be overshadowed by this shocking soliloquy change
3- You'll get talked about, and really any press is good press.

Drunk guy leaving a message: " Heyyyyy, how are you? I don’t know why you’re ignoring me, I didn’t do anything wrong. Um. Yeah, like, what the, what happened man, we like didn’t meet up… right? And then next thing you know you just don’t wanna talk to me now? You know you’re going to see me when the summer time comes. And you’re gonna see me, and I’m going to be jacked out and you’re gonna be like, “fuck, I coulda duh duh duh duh” or you gonna hear about a girl that i was with and be like, “What he like what and he what his what with what in the what!?” and then you’re going to be like, “Daaaamn.” So let’s skip all that and let’s start talking again cuz I didn’t do anything mean to you or bad to you, we just couldn’t freaking get on the same wavelength of time to make a date to hang out. This time, let’s just meet and boom, quick and easy, ba-da liki mala da shini malaga, and everything’s cool, alright? Ok. Bye."

soft move-in

When you and the person you're dating decide you're going to move in together, and you decide to move into one persons existing apartment because they have more stuff than you, and it's so much easier for the person with less stuff to move in.

If a person with a lot of stuff moves in, it's a big deal, it's noisy, it can be a real hard move-in. But if the person with less stuff moves in to the place where all the stuff is already, it's not a huge ordeal, it's quiet, no one needs a u-haul, therefore it's a soft move-in.

All the benefits of living together with as little hardship of moving.

Girl: "I'd love to meet up with you tonight, but I've got to clear out some room upstairs for my boyfriends massive computer system and I'll make some bathroom space too."

Other girl: "Oh cool, you guys are doing a soft move-in, huh?"

Girl: "Yeah, I'm excited! He gets a closet too, but doesn't really have much other stuff."