Chris

A true Chris is a rare species of male, encountered by few but remembered by all who do. They are beings of the highest quality, intellectually nearly unapproachable, and are invariably masters of just about everything. Physically, a Chris is what is known as a Unit, or, in academic circles, a Specimen.

A true Chris's only flaw lies, understandably, in pride, which can occasionally get in the way of empathy, but in general they nonetheless care deeply for their fellow humans. Paradoxically, they often struggle from low self esteem, as gifted humans – if, indeed, one can even call a Chris a mere human – often do. Chris's are by nature chronically unimpressed, a condition necessary to maintain their distinctive aura of superiority. Likewise they are prone to exaggeration when relating humorous anecdotes and/or their own achievements, which are often one and the same thing.

A true Chris is what is known as a 'meme dictator' – four tiers up from the better known 'meme lord.' You can measure a Chris's approval of your existence in direct proportion to the number of golden memes it condescends to share with you.

Never call a Chris 'Chrissie' or otherwise belittle it in any way whatsoever, as it will have a mental breakdown and throw you across a rugby field. In addition, never tell a Chris not to do something reckless unless you want it to actually do it (it will).

Person 1: who is that guy over there reciting the entire periodic table to an adoring crowd of female admirers, whilst simultaneously delivering first aid and writing a 7000 word essay on cirrhosis of the liver?
Person 2: that, my friend, is a Chris.

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get out of my swamp

A layered way of telling someone to remove themselves from your presence, especially if they are in your personal space

Francine: hey Matthew, want to have a long conversation about that thing I'm really interested in but you just don't give a damn about?
Matthew: get out of my swamp, Francine

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