Dean Koontz

1. An ultraconservative, hack bestselling author with no discernible writing skills whatsoever, read (and defended) by semi-literate Neanderthals who consider his tripe "real good writin'." Books are characterized by stilted dialogue, senseless plotting, intrusive author's voice, messy tone, surface characterization, tired genre tropes, laugh out loud resolutions, and metaphors so sloppy they would make a six-year-old roll her eyes.

Read by your grandmother, your weird uncle, a couple of your friends and that slutty, weird girl you knew in high school and/or college. Also: read by people who wouldn't know real literature if a copy of "The Great Gatsby" fell out of the sky and knocked them unconscious.

2. Author whose best fortune came when a man named "Koontz" banged his mama, bestowing him with the name "Koontz," ensuring he would be shelved next to "King," a much superior writer in every sense of the word.

Dean: "I picked up a new Dean Koontz today at Walgreens for 50% off."

Steve: "My god! You didn't read it, did you?"

Dean: "Yes, and now I've got severe brain damage."

Steve: "I see your brains are spilling out of your ears. Let's get you to the ER."

Dean: "Yes, thank you. I promise not to read any more Dean Koontz books."

Steve: "Thank you. I will hold you to that."

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