Pepsi

1) The source of all evil
2) Watered-down Coke-flavored lube

Note that Coke is better than Pepsi, and that the only way one could get the flavor of Pepsi would be to water down Coke-flavored lube and bottle it.

1) OH SHIT, I had to buy a Pepsi and now my life is cursed by the carbonated drink gods!!
2) Ugh, this Coke imitation drink tastes like lube!

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seamsturbate

verb
to provide sexual pleasure by tugging on the crotch seam/zipper of one's or another's pants (especially jeans), resulting in friction against one's or another's "part"

I saw your ex-girlfriend seamsturbate in English class today.

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