purplepotamus

The most feared of all office animals. Usually dresses in purple and has purple hair and purple hide. Its official name is Purplepotamus Dottiensis. Its roar can be heard for miles. It is notorious for being lazy. It has a terrible temper and it is dangerous to approach it. Also known as FAPLAW, or "Fat-Ass-Psychotic-Lazy-Ass-Windbag." Looks like a cross between Mimi from The Drew Carey Show and a rhinoceros.

The Purplepotamus spends most of its free time whining and shopping online.

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Granola

1. If you run out you can go get some in your Toyota Corolla.

2. Be careful not to get any on your feather boa.

3. You can eat some while while climbing to the top of Krakatoa.

4. Do you remember from the 80's the Ayatollah Assahola?

Granola, Granola
Granola & Beelzebub on Krakatoa,
Granola........

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FAPLAW

Also, "F.A.P.L.A.W."

Abbreviation: "Fat Ass Psychotic Lazy Ass Windbag."

Short-hand title for the Purplepotamus.

Purplepotamus: O my gawd! You can't send this letter out like this! I'll get in trouble!

Zeke: This has nothing to do with you!

Purplepotamus: Yes it does!

Zeke: Then if you don't like it, why don't you, oh, I dunno, do your own work?

Purplepotamus: Becawwwwwwse Joel won't let me leave my desk!

(She storms off.)

Zeke: Motherfucking FAPLAW!!!

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phantom gourmet

Busybody who always needs to ask where one's lunch has come from, even if it's obvious. Every ingredient must be accounted for.

Zeke: How come you didn't have lunch with us today, Clyde?

Clyde: I got caught by the phantom gourmet. Of course she had to ask me if I'd gotten my burger at Wendy's. I said, "What gave it away? The bag that says 'Wendy's' on it?"

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scump

1. (verb) The act of stumbling over an invisible bump in the floor.

2. (noun) The sound one makes when skumping. Usually sounds like a simian grunt.

3. (proper verb) A highly exaggerated form of stumbling performed by a Scape (or Skape). *Perform* is the operative word here. An ordinary scump is more than a regular trip or bump anyway. When done by a Scape, Scumping (note the capitalization) involves wild gestures, blood-curdling shrieks of terror and pain. It is always followed by imaginary injuries and paranoid accusations.

While a normal scump could be the result of tripping over a previously-unseen bump, a Scump is always done for attention and never involves any physical contact, except whatever the Scape ends up falling into (a barrel, a shelf, a table, etc). A Scump has no discernible cause, though the Scape usually tries to blame them on a roadblock of some sort which was purposely left in its way. If ignored, a Scump will be forgotten, though it might resurface in future tales.

Usual suspect causes of a Scump include tables, barrels on the other side of the room, cracks in the floor, and errant dust particles.

1. "Hey, Zeke, what happened?"

"I was headed to the conference room, and suddenly I tripped on a scump."

2. (Walking across the hall)

"Hey, Clem! How're you - ooffff! Scump!"

3. "Someone must have put that table in my way on purpose, because I never saw it before and I fell and..."

"Oh, great. The Scape just Scumped again."

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hillbilly haiku

A poem, spoken by hillbillies, that *sounds* something like haiku but doesn't scan like it. A hillbilly haiku doesn't fit the 5-7-5 syllable scheme, or even have three lines, because hillbillies can't count.

This is a hillbilly haiku.

Dead dogs
Dead, dead dogs.

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Peepseclette

A bicycle made from marshmallows, popular in France.

Ride my peepseclette, my marshmallow bike.

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