Women

Beings not seen or touched by 98% of the men who have posted on this subject thus far.
Highly attracted to males of the species who are reasonable to look at, have jobs, are relatively kind, sometimes take out trash, and treat them like equals (not superiors, not inferiors -- equals.) Happily give blowjobs in return.
Prefer large dicks. Secretly laugh at guys who convince themselves that size doesn't matter.
Are paid seventy five cents for every dollar a man makes in the exact same job, same demographic, and same education level.
To those men who cannot procure them (because said men are too mean, stupid, sexist, ugly, and unaccomplished) they cause intense feelings of failure, hatred, prejudice, violence, and need to post on boards stereotyping all women with one narrow, negative definition. Said men then jack off alone.
When said beings reject such specimens of men or express an intelligent opinion, they are bitches.
When they don't put out, they are also bitches. When they do, they are sluts.

Dick: "Women are illogical, make no sense, are emotionless blobs, nag constantly, are always man-hating. They should just shut up, clean house, kneel, know their place, and blow me."

Women: "Ha ha, you're just mad because you can't get any pussy and you've got a tiny pecker."

John: "Dick, you're a sexist asshole *punches Dick.* I respect smart, strong women. I love my mama. I like to eat pussy. I've got a job; I don't make a lot, but I work hard and I'm ambitious. I've seen a treadmill before."

Women: "John, we all love you. Can we please suck your giant cock? Would you like to have an orgy with us? Please, oh please?"

John: "Yes, ladies, I would appreciate that. May I hold the door open for you?"

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men

Plural of man.
*Real men* are respectful of women as equals. Love their mamas. Hold doors open. Knock out other men who say stupid ass, sexist bullshit. Will lick pussy after they have been given a blowjob. Bring home an equal paycheck, then do an equal amount of housework and childcare. Don't get pissed off when their usual superior economic status is disrupted by a social shift that allows women to take a step closer to equality. Are strong and protective, while also being loving and gentle. Have the character to restrain their temper. Have a brain in their head. Do not stereotype. Often come with big dicks.
Faux men say stuff like this in the women section of UD, then pop their zits, play some videogames, jack off, and begin to sob, and wonder why nobody will fuck them:
"The female of the human species, that are, more or less, emotionless blobs. Since emotions such as love compliment the human sex drive, men have a higher emotional drive to compliment their higher sex drive. Women, conversely... just wander around looking for another way to suck money out of a man, get him attached and then break his heart. And despite this fact, a woman will spend a good 75% of her time saying that men only think about sex and that women are so much better, even though it is always a man that writes the beautiful love song or poem. Though they're not all like this, the stereotypical woman is lying, conniving, selfish, controlling, manipulative, arrogant and chauvinistic. They have the complete inability to think logically or philosophically, and so if you start to talk to them about something like existence, they'll just say that they're right and your wrong and that you should go buy her something. And different than the woman's belief that men do evil things like start wars and such, it's easy to see that a woman will always be the cause for fighting. The world will be a better place when all of the extremely intelligent genetic scientists (mostly men, so we'd have to have men, whether or not we needed to procreate... women? not so much of a necessity) begin to genetically engineer human beings, without the need for the process of sex."

"A beast created by God to enduce pain upon man for eternity. Bleeds for seven whole days and does not die. Can suck the life out of a man to create smaller evil beast to defend them in court and steal man's hard earned money."

"Punishment from Zeus for mankind because the young god Promethues stole the fire of the gods and gave it to mankind. So Zeus created a new evil for mankind, women."

Jane: "Eliza, all men are assholes. Your standards are too high. You have never met a so-called 'real man.'"
Eliza: "I met him, I fucked him, I married him. And there are others out there, it's just that faux men are louder than real men, so it seems like there are more of them."

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dick

The male sex organ.
Big ones are enjoyed by women.
Small ones are secretly laughed at by women.
Men with small ones are told by women that size doesn't matter. Men possessing these small ones actually believe it.

Jane: "Eliza, he had the biggest dick I have ever seen. I could have played with it for hours."
Eliza: "That's hot. Isn't it funny how small guys think they have an eight inch one though? I wonder what ruler they're using!"

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feminist

–noun 1. the doctrine advocating social, political, and all other rights of women equal to those of men.
2. (sometimes initial capital letter) an organized movement for the attainment of such rights for women.

Feminists will not mind when you do not wish to open doors and pay the check WHEN:
They are no longer paid 75 cents for every dollar a man makes even when they have the same education level, experience, and work just as hard.
Cleaning products are no longer marketed to women on TV.
Men start worrying about trying to "balance raising children and a career."
Viagra is no longer covered on insurance, and birth control is.
We don't constantly see ugly fat men paired with attractive thin women in sitcoms (Drew Carey Show, Family Guy, Simpsons, ect ect.)
Women are EITHER expected to be less attractive and spend less time trying to be beautiful OR men are expected to be more attractive and spend more time trying to be beautiful.
Women are no longer called bitches when they sound too intelligent or when they refuse to put out.
When women are no longer called sluts when they do put out, OR men are ALSO called sluts when they put out.
Young boys are given baby dolls and pretend ovens along with their GI Joes and toy guns. Young girls are given lego sets and science kits along with their barbies.
Women who want to go to the front lines of battle are allowed to go instead of being mollycoddled at the back.
Men stop calling weak individuals "pussies" (a female sex organ smaller than a lemon but which can withstand having a watermelon-sized baby shoved through it, and which is extraordinarily strong and resilient) and stop saying that brave, strong people "have balls" (a male sex organ which is extraordinarily weak when even lightly tapped.)
EITHER men don't grimace and scream and gag when a tampon is mentioned in their presence, OR men stop talking about taking a shit, farting, dick cheese, and jacking off in the presence of women.
One man comparing another man to a woman is not a grave insult.
Men stop complaining about so-called "reverse sexism" when what's really beginning to happen is equality.
When we see as many naked men used to sell things as we do naked women.
Male comedians stop doing the tired "women are complicated" "women get upset for no reason" "women remember everything" bit.
There are as many women CEOs and top political figures as there are male ones.
The *number one* cause of death among pregnant women is not the father of her child beating her.
When it's no longer legal to create or sell pornography showing a woman being violently raped.
Women are not called dykes, butch, man-haters, or femi-nazis for having the gall to have a problem with all this.

So basically, when hell freezes over, you can stop opening the doors for us. Until then, you can stand to do that simple little nicety. It makes our lives ever-so-slightly more bearable, and it's the least you owe us. We'll take the responsibilities when you give us the rights.

John: "I'm a feminist, because I'm a real man."

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