Fellate Hate

The savage disdain that some crazy women and some truly disturbing men have for the act of fellatio. The women are known as "Selfish, frigid bitch" and the men are known as "Sexually repressed, unfucktionate weirdo". There does seem to be a rule here however, when it comes to those who will open declare Fellate Hate. The "Selfish, frigid bitch" will usually have absolutely no issue whatsoever with cunnilingus, whereas the "Sexually repressed, unfucktionate weirdo" will have strong opinions against it. It's clear that one needs a sharp re-education, and the other needs shooting, as it is the kindest solution.

"How are things going with Rebecca?"
"That's SO over"
"Why? You guys were great together"
"I thought so too, until she openly admitted her fellate hate"
"Damn, what's wrong with that woman??"

"So, how are things with Tim?"
"We broke up after he twisted away when I tried to suck him off- he suffers with serious fellate hate"
"You're well out of it then!"

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Ear poison

1) Bad music.

2) Gossip

3) Scripture

These three categories cover the types of material that are toxic to the ears and minds of those that are unfortunate enough to come into contact with them. The best way to deal with it depends on which category you have been exposed to.

For category 1, locate tracks by Stereophonics or Muse, press play, crank it up to 11 and take a deep breath.

For category 2, pass the gossip along immediately, thus forcing it to exit your mind.

For category 3, get drunk and fuck someone immediately.

"I was getting a lift with Josh, but I'll be taking the bus from now on, due to the massive dose of Prince related ear poison he pumped into the car"

"Yeah, I heard about it, and I already passed that ear poison on, so I'm immune to your injection. Move it along!"

"Right, that's our weekly shot of ear poison done with until next sunday. Now let's go to Foxies and get us some whores!"

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Wank Buddy

Someone you meet up with online and masturbate with on cam. There are two likely outcomes to this situation- you either eventually get over each other, or eventually get under each other. It depends on how excellent and sexy the wank buddy is as to which you will allow to happen.

A classic mistake is performed by the "one sided" wank buddy- ie, only one person puts on their cam and relies on the snazzy wording of the other person to get them off. When they eventually see the other person, they usually turn out to be a middle aged fat man eating a bag of doritos with the same hand he's wanking with. This leads to suicidal moments and feelings of being deeply unclean. TAKE NOTE- Screen your prospective wank buddy before you take off your pants and get stuck in.

"No, I don't want to watch Glee with you, I've got plans with my wank buddy"

"Thank God I've got a wank buddy, or I'd just cry myself into a sexless and frustrated sleep"

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Shark Week

The week during which a woman has her period. There will be blood, an uncomfortable sense of tension and a bad tempered, unpredictable beast.

Take heed during shark week. If you show signs of weakness or aggression, you will be attacked. If you get attacked, it will be all your fault, infinitely more traumatic for her and you'll never be allowed to forget it.

Man 1-"Why is your wife glaring at you from the window?"
Man 2-"Shark week. She's looking for an excuse to strike"

Man 1-"Pub?"
Man 2-"Hell yes."

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