Horny Eye Syndrome

Horny Eye Syndrome (HES) is an affliction rising from a lack of sexual intercourse, and can often prove to be quite dangerous. It is chiefly suspected when a person of prior good taste selects a heinous individual and genuinely acts as if that person is sexually attractive. It is mainly an optical problem, as the eyes of the HES sufferer have been reprogrammed by the brain and seek out the opposite sex to admire, regardless of appearance. However, since the brain has implemented this new system in an attempt to get its owner laid, and thus prevent itself from being shot out of its nice cosy head, this can also be classed as a psychological issue.

Symptoms include:

Flirting with any member of the opposite sex aged 16-100
Watching enough porn to mentally corrupt Satan
Breaking off, mid sentence, to stare at an extremely unimpressive person
Suddenly considering hoody wearing chavs to be sexy
Shocking outbursts of temper and/or crying
Muttering "I would!" after every mildly attractive person passes
Acting like a hyperactive, oversexed teen every time a genuinely attractive person comes into view.

Treatment involves either;
A group of generous friends willing to pay for a prostitute.
A REALLY generous friend of the opposite sex,
Sex with a totally horrifying person, (Which ususally leads to immediate self diagnosis of HES as soon as the act is complete)
Wanking oneself into a coma.

It was clear to everyone else in the park that Janet was suffering from Horny Eye Syndrome, as she walked seductively over to Barry, and watched him eating his burger, her expression clearly showing that she found the sauce dripping down his many chins to be highly erotic. Although it would indeed be cruel to allow her to leave with the morbidly obese Barry, her friends had certainly had enough of trying to reign in her Horny Eyed antics...and so they turned a blind eye as the pair disappeared, confident that self diagnosis would take place in aprroximately 10 minutes time.

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Big Jazz

1) A sarcastic term used to describe something or someone that others clearly thinks is great, but is actually fairly sub standard. (Not unlike a lot of jazz)

2) A description for the fuss people make about something that's hardly worth mentioning. (Like the latest jazz album.)

1) "I got a new puppy!"
"Big Jazz! I got a new shotgun. Shall we get the two of them together?"

2) "So the bride walked down the aisle and everyone went "Ahhhhhh". All I could think was- "Big Jazz... she looks like an iced gem."

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Religious Tea

Has been made since the dawn of time. The method is unchanged, and widespread, from Catholics to Muslims. Every holy meeting will serve this drink.

You take an urn filled with enough water for 20 people and heat it to a stage that is beyond scalding. You then add enough tea leaves for perhaps 2 people and leave it to stew. When the time comes to drink it, serve it in fragile cups with a handle that heats up to the temperature of the liquid. Despite the fact that the drink is horrible, people will drink it and smile sweetly. You can't turn down tea served by a holy person. It's one of the rules of life, along with "you can't hit an old person" and "you can never bollock someone elses kid for being a little shit"

Religious Tea in a CofE church hall comes with a massive side of sympathy that you didn't ask for, and didn't need. You will have your arm touched and rubbed by old ladies and will be called a "good girl/boy"

Religious Tea in a Catholic church hall comes with a side of wrath and hellfire and possible eternal damnation for thinking that you don't like the tea. You may even have to confess if you don't finish it.

Religious Tea in an Adventist church hall comes with a side of awe and wonderment at the marvellous ways of God and sheer admiration that He saw fit to give us tea to drink.

Religious Tea in a Mosque comes with a side of dynamite and optional pre- packed rucksack and train ticket

"Would you like a cup of tea?"
"Oh, yes please Vicar"

(aside)- "Damn, I fucking hate Religious Tea"

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Gun Face

A lot of scary looking people have what is known as "Gun Face." It's when you feel confident in saying that a person owns a gun and has brandished it or has a gun on their person purely from the appearance of their face. Their expression is unsettling- a mix of insanity,glee and contemplation, as if they're wondering if they've got enough old carpet left to roll their next victim up in.

Vin Diesel (if that IS his real name) has Gun Face.

I don't want to go to the post office. The guy behind the counter has Gun Face, and is probably going to snap any day now!

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Litchrilly

A butchered, retarded version of the word "literally". Used by skanky teens and total fuckwits. It is usually placed in a sentence before something that didn't or wouldn't happen, owing to the fact that the speakers do not understand the english language, and have no comprehension of what the word "literally" means.

Listen to teenage girls try to out-cool each other on a bus, and you'll hear the word at least 50 times.

"I was so annoyed, I litchrilly exploded"
"If i find out it's true I will litchrilly kill them"

"His cock was litchrilly as big as a horses"
"Oh my god, I will litchrilly DIE if he asks me out!"

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Leather Flaying

Sitting on leather seats with bare skin on a hot day is asking for trouble. When you attempt to rise from the seat, you have to rip your skin from the surface that it has practically merged with, thus giving yourself a painful Leather Flaying experience. If you're lucky, you won't have made full body contact. Having sex on a leather sofa is a big mistake. 50% of the gasps and moans will be of pain as you tear your body away, leaving 6 layers of skin behind.

"Your back looks all sunburnt, Jim"
"It's not, I was shagging Vicky on the sofa and got a serious leather flaying"

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Ah, I see

1)
The standard response when you still don't understand what has been explained to you, but simply cannot tolerate any more of the conversation. It must be used sparingly however, as overuse of "Ah, I see" will lead them to enquire as to what it is that you "see", and then you're fucked.

2)
The sarcastic response for when the information that someone expects you to understand is so vastly complicated and pointless that you could slap them out of sheer frustration. Usually said with more emphasis on the "see" part of the phrase.

1)
Man- ".....and those are the differences between multi-port fuel injection and throttle body fuel injection"
Woman- "Ah, I see"

2)
Woman- ".....and that's how I know that you did what you did and said what you said on monday night, because Gemma said that Rachel said that Alan said that Dan said that he knew someone who saw you there!!"

Man- "Ah, I see"

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