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This is a special breed of sheep who have 100% organic wool, infected with hipsterpes. They were bred by Niklaus Purel (the same guy who invented Purel hand sanitizer) He wanted to design a breed of sheep where he could harvest a new strain of virus, which he could use to raise the sales of Purel hand sanitizer. He didn't realize that this new strain of herpes, would become so virulent that even his cleaning product could not destroy the virus. Bred for their wool for the manufacture of wool cardigans and other types of sweaters, hipstersheep have become a serious threat for North-America. If you ever spot a hipstersheep, you should report it to your local authorities immediately.
Part of an actual news report featured on ACN: "It has been proven that hipstersheep are responsible for the recent spread of hipsterpes throughout America. The virus evolved and can now spread from human to human via bodily fluids. Be careful when dealing with this animal."
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When you put your laptop on your lap and it becomes really hot, the temperature can get so high it actually impairs the viability of your sperm.
I can't have kids because my laptop was a real ballcooker.
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A laptop so big you can't actually keep it on you lap because it is heavy, the battery life is shit and it becomes too hot. You have to keep it on a table or counter. Tabletops are usually ballcookers as well.
This new Alienware is a real tabletop!
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This is the most dangerous, germ infested, garment of a hipster's attire. Touching one of these gives you a serious chance of suffering from hipsterpes, especially if found in a thrift store (crack house for hipsters). In fact, the virus responsible for hipsterpes originated from the hipstersheep, who were bred for their organic wool. Do not be tempted by the nice colors or artistic scenery woven into the fabric, this is a mere tactic to make you want to approach the said cardigan, therefore increasing you risk of contracting hipsterpes.
Actual inscription on the label of a wool cardigan "Caution, may cause hipsterpes"
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When you exchange fluids with a hipster, you run the serious risk of having hipsterpes. Unprotected sexual intercourse, unprotected sharing of a vegan meal, unprotected drinking in the same cup of tea, unprotected kissing or shaking of hands or any other exchange of fluids can lead to this serious disease. Some accounts of unprotected typing on the same 18th century typewriter have proven to be lethal. Don't risk it, if you spot a hipster, be safe and avoid all physical contact. If possible, you might want to report him or her to the local authorities to be taken care of or put down.
Symptoms may include some of the following: discomfort when eating meat, loss of fashion sense, growth of ironic facial hair, poetry, feeling of false superiority, loss of taste in music, non-prescription lenses, need to tell everyone how awesome you are, interest in self-help books, knitting, and many more. If in doubt, contact the nearest health center.
CHRIS: Hey bro, we are having Meat Monday at my place tonight! See you there!
SAM: Sorry dude, I had sex with this hipster chick yesterday... can't eat meat anymore for some reason.
CHRIS: You have hipsterpes! Don't touch me!
SAM: Besides... I have much better values than you, I buy all my clothes used, I practice yoga and I listen to The Shins!
*Chris calls the local authorities*
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