Jeepers Bells

An exclamation of such vapidity and tooth-gnashing limpness that is it uttered only by:

- men who think that clitorises are a garden-variety hardy perennial

- women who are so tightly wound that their bowel movements resemble brown spaghetti and their flatulence can only be heard by dogs

“Jeepers Bells Natalie, my self-esteem is at rock bottom this morning”

“Well it’ll have to suck itself, Robert. I’m feeling far too clenchy to attend to it today”

Smelly Sylvian

The act of befouling high-brow or pretentious works of art with a previously worn butt-plug while ‘Methods of Dance’ plays in the background on loop

“Mrs Blennerhasset, if you put The Unicorn in before we go to The Tate, you might be able to stealthily execute a Smelly Sylvian before lunch”

Jambon Jovis

The glam-rock themed delicatessen opened by Jon Bon Jovi after his ill-informed segue into special interest porn fell spectacularly flat.

“Tyrone, can you go and get half a kilo of artisan Blackberry and Prosecco Coulis from Jambon Jovis on Acacia Boulevard?”