Wartburg College

A decidedly third-rate college located in the cousin-fucking capital of Iowa, Waverly. Well larded with meatheads, UNI dropouts, and folks too stupid or too fat to matriculate at Luther College in nearby Decorah, or with those big shots up at St. Olaf. (And, really, just how sad is that to contemplate?) Local residents are known as "Warts"--think condylomata acuminata or other human papillomaviri of the anogenital variety--and quite predictably answer to the mating call "Warts Suck!" Decent football team averaged over 37 points per game in 2010, and remarkably (for the Warts, anyway) featured 11 players who could also count, unaided, to 37.

Central blows and Coe swallows, but man, those Warts really suck.

Hey, did you hear the one about the 3 Wartburg College honors grads who went into a bar and immediately bought a round for the house. "What's the occasion?" asked the barman. "We just finished a puzzle," said Wart 1. "A puzzle?" asked the bartender. "Right," smirked Wart 2: "25 pieces and it only took us a year and a half." "Uh, that's kind of long, isn't it?" said the barkeep. "NO SIR," crowed Wart 3. "It says right here on the box '3-5 years'!"

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