spitch

A person who has the option of going out with friends but instead makes the bizarre yet conscious decision to remain indoors for the night to indulge in activities involving sweatpants, Funyuns, a High Definition television or all three simultaneously. Many times the subject cannot establish a decent justification for his or her actions (ie. citing poor weather conditions) and instead fumbles with their words and mannerisms, often speaking in senseless sentence fragments and avoiding eye contact entirely. Attempts at pleading with them to “just come” and/or “stop being gay” somehow exponentially worsen the situation and furthers the individual’s unresponsiveness.

Person A: Why the heck aren’t you guys dressed? Everyone’s leaving in 5 minutes.
Person B: Huh? I don’t even… how come when… just chill. (rips open Funyuns bag)
Person C: This movie has Ashton Kutcher and Bernie Mac in it so like… (kicks off shoes)
Person D: Freezing outside… (whips out penis)
Person A: You're all textbook spitches and I don’t even know why we’re friends.

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