Tom

Tom, is a guy who makes definitions of the name "Tom" on urban dictionary and describes in great detail how great Tom is. Tom does this to make himself feel better about how no girl has dated him, and how he is probably going to die a virgin.

The movie 50 Year Old Virgin is Tom's biography.

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choking your monkey

Middle school slang for masturbation that is used around teachers so they can't tell what is going on.

Person 1: Yo, Chris, you really need to stop *looks around the room* choking your monkey.
Teacher: Get back to your work or I'll put you in the time out corner!

Stonewalled

Verb: to stare blankly showing no emotion

He stared stonewalled at the crazy ass shit that happened before him