Kung Poo

A traditional Chinese martial art that combines ancient breath-holding techniques with rigorous squatting exercises to combat the dangers of bodega/shitty club bathrooms. Developed by a disgruntled polish techno snob who after browning the cuffs of his artfully torn white Diesel jeans on one too many occasions, traveled to a mountaintop monastery in the wuhan province of China and immersed himself in a strict mindfulness-based regimen to hone this art.

As Jane’s hand wandered lower and lower down the sweat-moistened back of her lover, she perceived a slight rumbling other than the pounding house beat that filled the stale air of the club. Concerned, she peered deep into his eyes and whispered, “are you ok?” “Have no fear sugarplum” was his reply. “I know Kung Poo.”