Paper Shaker

A paper shaker is a person who always seems to be busy at work but doesn't get anything done.

Paper shakers will arrive to work early and leave late to create the image that they are always working. Paper shakers exhibit all the worst examples of presenteeism. They will work when sick to make a show of it.

A paper shaker will prescribe more work as the cure for whatever ails any project. This sermonizing will never result in any new actions or change on their part. Paper shakers already see themselves as working harder than everyone else.

Don't confuse a paper shaker with a hustler. A paper shaker may see themselves as a hustler and try to create this impression. They might have a coffee mug or t-shirt that says some catchphrase like "always hustlin'" for example. At heart, they are lazy sycophants.

The term "paper shaker" comes from the idea that they always have some "proof of work" handy. Vampire hunters carried garlic to ward off evil and paper shakers have busy work to ward off actual work.

Dealing with paper shakers from a management perspective is simple. Once identified, check in with them often. Set goals with them and see where they land. Ask them what they are working on and direct them away from their own busy work. This should keep paper shaking to a minimum.

The paper shakers in HR thinks everyone should work 3.5 more hours a week to hit our targets.

Tim is such a paper shaker, what does that guy even do?

Upper management is all paper shakers, they come in early and go home late but have nothing to show for it.

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Beach my whale

The act of doing nothing after eating a large amount of food.

I just ate so much food. I'm going to go home and beach my whale.

I just want to order skip and beach my whale tonight.

NPSO

NPSO or Non-Playable Sex Object is an extension of the term NPC (Non-Playable Character)

Most often a female character (usually a prostitute) in a video game who has no character or agency in the game world. They merely exist to add atmosphere or to be sexual objectified.

Some games are more interactive than others, such as GTA, where you pick up and use prostitutes. Many NPSO have dialog meant to re-assert the game players sexual dominance or masculinity. Examples might be, "I could ride you all night honey" and "Mmm mmm. I'd give you a taste for free."

The primary difference between and NPC and NPSO is that NPSOs are completely sexual. They may not even have the same responses to action in the gameworld as other characters. An example of this might be, not running from gunfire and just vacantly playing their dancing/stripping animations.

Games like Grand Theft Auto and Far Cry use NPSOs to create a taboo atmosphere.

I wonder how many of the 5000 NPCs in Assassins Creed are NPSO.

glutard

One who often and aggressively expresses their opinion about gluten but knows almost nothing about it.

A Glutard will not know:
- What gluten actually is.
- That gluten free food is more processed than their gluten counterparts because the wheat gluten must be extracted.
- What current science says about real gluten intolerance (Celiac disease).
- How gluten intolerance occurs (such as believing that you can breath gluten in like asbestos or absorb gluten through the skin and hair)

A Glutard will speak absolute lies, such as:
- gluten is a"chemical additive" put there by "the food industry."
- gluten free food is more "natural."
- gluten causes cancer.
- gluten causes illness X or making us all sick/dumb/obedient, etc.
- Will mix/match/interchange gluten with various substances which aren't gluten (such as Monosodium glutamate, known as MSG)

A Glutard's opinion of the negative effects of gluten also extend beyond diet alone. Their "knowledge" of gluten is made up of complete lies and/or marketing information from labelled gluten free food products.

True example:

Person 1: "So, what are the advantages of gluten free soap? I thought gluten only affected your diet?"

Glutard: "It's been proven that soap releases gluten fibers which you can breath in and make you sick. This is why you sometimes feel out of breath after a shower."

The guy at the health food counter at whole foods is a glutard, he told me that eating gluten causes brain abnormalities in laboratory rats.

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One-Downing

One-downing is simply the opposite of one-upping.

Also known as a "race to the bottom." This tactic is used by everyone from fast food produces, horror movie directors, indeed the President of the United States of America, to shock people by showing them that the bar can still be lowered.

While many fast food producers are scrambling to one-up each with healthy offerings, KFC is one-downing them all the with the double down sandwich.