Simon

Deadly assassin, often referred to in French as "Le Legume" (meaning: The Vegetable) and in Japanese legend as "Yasaiitame" (meaning: Fried Vegetables). Saying any of these names in their respective countries of origin will get you punished for "Breaching the Peace".

Despite the name, Simon (actually pronounced Sim-own-ay) does not appear to use vegetables as part of his assassination methods, although the Tomato is his calling card. At present, it is not clear how he assassinates people. The only information Interpol have uncovered to date is that he has webbed ears - probably prosthetics - and that he can lick both of his own elbows simultaneously. This information was given just as his latest confirmed victim (Patricia Hewalinger, 2006) was dying of laughter.

Internet rumours have spread since mid-2007 that if an unknown entity, which for security reasons has been dubbed "PAT", goes down - ie, is killed - it will take Simon with him. The global search continues.

"Oh my god, did you hear? A tomato was left on the President's doorstep!"

"Looks like 'Simon' has struck again.

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