Beat around the bush

When you have such copious amounts of pubic hair, that you have to reach around your bush to pull your monkey, causing an inconvenient delay.

Big Easy: Yo bro, my wife won’t let me smash so I’ve had to tug on my rope lately. It’s also no shave November, so I’ve had to beat around the bush.

Tyrant: When you say beating around the bush, you mean like delaying the shaving of your man shrubs?

Big Easy: No I literally have to beat around my bush. I got more hair down there than Rapunzel.

Tyrant: Sounds like a hairy situation.

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Jitt-Skiing

Step 1: Get a slutty chick, 2 horny bros and a jet ski.

Step 2: Position the hoe in between the 2 dudes and start the engine.

Step 3: The gutter slut proceeds to pump both dudes off as they glide across the moist bay.

Tyrunt: Yo bro tryna go jet skiing this summer?

Big Queasy: Nah that’s for geeks. I only go jitt-skiing with my boy and his tranny girl. It’s a hell of a time and we drink Coronas after.

Tyrunt: You’re my bedtime hero.

Ground Pound

This is similar to the move in the Mario Brother’s games and can be preformed by either a woman or a man. If a woman is performing, she jumps from a perched location and tries to land her cooch right on the man’s wang. If the man is performing, he attempts to achieve a hole in one in the woman’s snatch. Failure to penetrate = unimaginable pain and possibly an ER visit.

Tyrant: Yo big easy, why didn’t you come golfing yesterday?

Big Easy: Dawg, my dick is broken. I attempted a Ground Pound on my wife, and I totally missed. My dick ran right into the ground, and now it’s more purple than a rotten eggplant.

Tyrant: Just rub some neosporin on it and you should be fine.

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Merry Clitmas

This one can be very tricky, so fasten your sleigh belts. Step 1: Dress up like Santa clause. Step 2: Fit your way down someone’s chimney. Step 3: This involves some luck. The hope is that you landed in a house with a hot hoe hoe hoe and a sleeping husband. The hoe has had too much to drink so she wonders her way downstairs when she hears a loud bang. Thinking you are her husband, she de-clothes herself and sneaks up on you. Step 4: Proceed to pound the hoe hoe’s fruit cake until it has enough whipped topping. Step 5: Flick her bean, and yell “Merry Clitmas”. Step 6: Get the hell outta there. Her husband has probably awoken by now and is sprinting down the steps with his shotgun ready to blow your meat missile off to Jupiter... **kinky**

Tyrant: Bro how was your Christmas?

Big Easy: It was pretty eventful. I sharted multiple times and had a five dollar footlong for breakfast. Hbu?

Tyrant: Boy I’ll tell ya I had an amazing Christmas! Almost didn’t make it out alive. Long story short, I went to some hoe’s house and popped her cherry. Then I yelled Merry Clitmas and booked it outta there. I think her dad was coming to teach me a lesson. Turns out he was a cop, so good thing I high tailed it outta there.

Big Easy: Damn I wish I was as cool as you.

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Puke-Dick & Shit

So one night you’re laying in bed and your stomach starts to hurt. So you go to the bathroom to drop a dook. You start pumpin out some snickers but then you realize you gotta puke. With your b-hole all greased up, you’re hesitant to get off the shitter. Before you can even make any decision, your throat sphincter gives in and releases your intestine goo. Reacting quickly, you aim down at the toilet you are still sitting on... and now you have a puke dick. Nice goin a-hole.

Miguel Cumbrera: Yo amigo. How you handling the quarantino?

Antonio Bonederas: Mi Hermano it’s not going so bueno. Last night I went to drop some snickers in the punch bowl, and I ended up with puke-dick & shit too. At least I can’t go anywhere, so my chicas at the club won’t know.

Miguel Cumbrera: Hombre that’s some gnarly mierda you got there. You and me should get together tomorrow for drinks. How about some Coronas?

Mongolian Battering Ram

This uneventful situation occurs when the woman’s vagina is too small to accompany the man’s schlong. The male attempts to use his penis as a battering ram to forcefully penetrate the woman’s vagina, mimicking the act of a crazed Mongolian trying to annihilate the Great Wall of China. If and when the man achieves penetration, a successful Mongolian battering ram has been accomplished.

Guy: Dude how was your weekend?

Nick Foles: It was great. I won another Super Bowl and performed a Mongolian Battering Ram on my wife because my dick is just way too big.

Guy: Bro that’s wicked. You’ll have to show me sometime.

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Allahu Cockbar

An exclamation that a man yells when he is about to go balls deep in his woman’s hoo hoo and wants her to know that his wang is the greatest. This will arouse the woman and make her moister than a 6 month old heavily used sponge.

Stoney: Yo bro, how’s it hangin?

Big Queefy: You mean like how’s it going or how my wang is hangin?

Stoney: I mean.... I guess both lol

Big Queefy: Well I’m doing well thanks for asking. My wang on the other hand is in urgent care recovery. I screamed Allahu Cockbar when I was slamming this hoe last night and she opened up like a newly born clam popping out of its shell. I smashed her way too hard and bruised my brisket. So that’s how my mangled meat is doing.

Stoney: Damn bro, lmk if you need me to tag in next time. I would’ve been ready to go.