cougar

Overview:In Western Canada, cougar is an unflattering word used to describe a middle-aged woman who prowls the bars in search of younger men. Not to be confused with hooker, gold-digger or hootch.

Demographic: The cougar has typically been divorced or is a single mother who has had children at a very young age and is trying to relive her lost youth. Her occupation tends to be that of the pink collar variety: administrative assistant, government worker, or receptionist for oil-field equipment companies. They can also be sighted working for policing organizations because of easy access to fresh meat in the form of young recruits. The Western Candian Cougar loves men, and despises all women, especially young, better educated women whom she fears may steal her job. She sees her main role in the workplace as that of snitch and clock-watcher for the office manager, and never hesitates to tattle on truants or tardy co-workers. The Western Cougars can be seen at 9:30 am and 2:30 pm, smoking in groups outside of any office building, glaring at passerby and simpering for any passing men.

Dress: The Western Canadian cougar dresses in cheap, tight clothing bought in the Juniors department of Stitches or the Garage Clothing Company. It is extremely important to the Western Canadian Cougar that she stills fits into Junior-sized clothing, as poorly-fitting and inappropriate as it may be because it proves that she still has her fabulous bod even after years of smoking, babies, and drinking.

Makeup: Consists of a hard scrawl of black eye-liner on both upper and lower lids, pink pearlescent lisptick, and wrinkles inadvertantly emphasized by a real or fake tan. This is a very important indicator for those observing the Western Canadian Cougar, in particular, lip wrinkles and pouchy eyes. The Western Canadian Cougar does not have easy access to plastic surgery, and such defects may be inexpertly camoflaged with bad bronzer and/or clotted concealer.

Hair colour: Predominantly blonde with black roots (although matte black or matte burgundy has also been spotted in some regions), over-processed and over-layered. Hair length is always long. Nails are usually square-tipped and French-manicured, however long, spoon-shaped, and coated with chipped silver polish is also a popular variant in some regions.

Accessories: The Western Canadian Cougar never leaves her house without her smokes, her cell phone, and a bottle of loud perfume such as Obsession, Shalimar, Poison, or Giorgio, lavishly applied regardless of occasion. The Western Canadian Cougar knows that there is no better cover-up for "bar smell" like a squirt of Giorgio applied in the women's washroom at intermission.

Prey: Young guys in voluminous quantity, any time, any where, but usually only for one night.

Habitat: Bars, offices, malls, trailer parks, high density housing developments, row housing.

Gawd, Helen in accounting is such a cougar: she got drunk at the support staff conference and went home with a 17 year-old guy she met at the hotel.

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