Squirrel

Squirrel is delicious, nutritious and practically ubiquitous. You can use it for eating (cooking or eating it raw), heating (using it as firewood) or beating (once rigor mortis sets in, it becomes quite stiff, almost like a baseball bat).

1.
Guy 1: "My mom always prepared me squirrel soup when i was sick"

2.
Guy 1:"Oh shit! He's beating him with a dead squirrel!"

Guy 3: "OH GOD PLEASE STOP OH PLEASE I DIDN'T DO ANYTHING WR---ACK!"
Guy 2:"Hol up i gotta record this"