Newtown, CT

Newtown, CT is located in Fairfield County - the 203. It consists of several well-known landmarks: Ram's Pasture, the Flagpole, and... wait, no... that's it. The true purpose for anyone below the ago of 21 to visit Newtown is for the outrageous parties these kids know how to throw. Basically, anyone that grows up in Newtown, CT is, or will become in the near future, an alcoholic. This is due the complete lack of anything to do in this town and the skillful tactics of avoiding cops during enormous liquor-fests. Typical locations for such shitfests are the woods, barns, and anyone's empty house. At these parties, high-schoolers engage in the intake of massive amounts of hard liquor chased with a miller high life. This level of partying allows for one's tolerance level to be raised to that above a college senior's. This, to say the least, is impressive. But no one in Newtown is ever impressed. Drinking in school is also popular. Those whose tolerance levels are lower, for unexplained reasons, are caught by Kathy or Novia. But, underage alcoholism is the norm.

Weed is the second most popular substance. Smoking during school or sports practice is not uncommon because no one ever gets caught. It's easy to find and usually only $20 per ounce, but it's good shit. Hitting gravities at parties is expected, accepted, and respected. Marijuana has gained popularity among the large population of Newtown Hippies and has spread among all social groups, including cheerleaders.

Gathering at Dunkin Donuts while drunk is common. Even without saying anything, everyone knows to meet at either dunkin donuts or the diner. And even though cops are always stationed at these two locations, they never say anything because they know what it's like to grow up in Newtown. They understand that it's our way of life. And they understand we're not like those area code 860 kids who'll get caught for being stupid. They know we're the smart drunks.

When you meet someone from Newtown, assume they are:
a) drunk
b) high
c) drunk and high
d) will be drunk and high later
e) all of the above

In conclusion, those who have ever lived in Newtown know that Newtown kids know how to party, how not to get caught, and how to get shitfaced and coherently drive to the blue Colony Diner and order a belgian waffle at 2 a.m.

"I've already had 4 handles of Dubra, 3 cases of Miller High Life, 9 pints of Goldschlager, and 14 ice-luges of Watermelon Bacardi and i'm not drunk. This is what I get for growing up in Newtown, CT."

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