f-unlucky

A truncation of the words 'fucking' and 'unlucky.'

This word can be used to console someone who has just suffered from a severe lack of luck in an extremely important, possibly life-threatening, situation. It is particularly useful when use of the word 'unlucky' would be a flagrant understatement, while the phrase 'fucking unlucky' would just feel clumsy and out-of-place. 'F-unlucky,' in contrast, rolls off the tongue nicely and is also less likely to cause offence.

It is of utmost importance that the word 'f-unlucky' not be used in a situation when the phrase 'bad skills' is the only suitable observation. The phrases each have very different meanings and must not be confused: 'f-unlucky' suggests that the consolee did indeed have good skills, but the situation was really beyond their control.

Here are some examples of situations in which the word 'f-unlucky' would prove appropriate:

1. During a particularly heated game of wcs, a long shot is played on the blue. It sails slowly, but gracefully, towards the far corner pocket. It glances the left cushion just inside the jaws, rolls across the edge of the pocket itself, and comes to rest just touching the cushion on the opposite side: "Mate, that was f-unlucky."

2. Upon journeying one evening, in high spirits, to The Clifton, the establishment is found to be closed "for refurbishment." It also becomes apparent that it will not be re-opening for a good six weeks: "Hmm, that's rather f-unlucky. What are we going to do now?"

3. News emerges that a friend (who, for the purposes of an example, we will refer to as Fraser) has recently been brutally and unexpectedly murdered: "Oh well, Fraser was generally pretty f-unlucky."

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toolbox

An organisation, every member of which is a tool.

- Did you see that BBC2 were running a "George Best Night" last night?

- Yeah, George Best is such a tool!

- Word, and the BBC is a whole *toolbox* for running such a night!

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Smallpenisary

General petty and wholly unnecessary one-upmanship.

The term is derived from the fact that partakers in such tomfoolery are usually trying to compensate for the fact that they have very small peni.

Situations where people could be accused of indulging in smallpenisary:

Louis: Right, I'm going to set my alarm for ten past eight. What time are you getting up, Tim?
Tim: Hmm, I think I'll set my alarm for, let's see, 8:09.

Ian: Oh, what lovely mashed potatoes! And just the right amount, too! Louis, are you not going to finish yours? Can't you manage them?
*Louis is stuffed and looks sick*
Ian: Well, I think I've just got room for some fruit! I'll have a satsuma.
Louis: Well in that case, I'll have a bag of satsumas.
*Louis proceeds to "down" a good ten satsumas*

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Bad Skills

'Bad skills' is a term to be used in scorn when a peer has shown a clear lack of skill during an important task. 'Bad skills' would usually be reserved for an occasion on which the accuser feels that they would have performed significantly better were they in the position of the accused.

There is absolutely no call for the phrase 'bad skills' to be used erroneously in a situation when the person in question was simply 'f-unlucky'. In these cases they are to be excused and consolation is in order.

Here are some situations where 'bad skills' could be blamed for someone's failings:

1. During the final frame of a match of wcs, one player is clearly in a position to win. He has had several red-black combinations already, and with the reds pretty well spread out, the game would appear to be in the bag. The player relaxes rather, and gets a little too over-confident. He over-hits his shot on the black, sending the cueball up the table, burying it behind the green, snookering himself: "Look, mate, that's bad skills."

2. On entering a crowded late-night bar of sorts, the choice of drinks is surveyed. A foreign lager by the name of 'Leffe' is spotted, and one person decides to give it a try. Boldly, he says "a pint of Leffe, please." He fails, however, to check the price before doing so, and is shocked to hear the reply, "that will be £4.50, please:" "Bad skills, mate."

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JPM

According to their website, "JPM International Ltd (A Sega Company) has 'invented, developed and marketed Microprocessor enabled pay to play games that give the chance of a reward' for over 30 years."

These words could not be truer.

JPM manufacture a wide range of games for play in places such as public houses and bars. These games do indeed entice punters with a “reward”, usually a tiered assortment of cash prizes, awarded on a basis of the player’s ability at said game, and only requiring the player to part with a simple 50 pence coin. Such games can be found on machines ranging from a simple “Who Wants to Be a Millionaire?” or “Weakest Link” machine, to the full-blown “It-Box”, from which one can, in addition to playing the aforementioned games, buy ringtones, send emails, and benefit from the delights of a wide selection of additional games.

But the JPM logo emblazoned on a machine means a lot more than just a few electronic games.

JPM is what makes the difference between a good night at the pub, and a great night at the pub. It is what bonds friends in the brotherhood of Knowledge. How better to spend a night in your local than to begin with some pints and some banter, then to embark upon a thorough test of one's knowledge? Man was made to stand around a quiz machine with his mates, feeling the tension rise with each sequential correct answer, confidently jabbing at the correct answer when he sees it, and occasionally crying “good knowledge” when he is particularly impressed with one of his peers’ aptitude. He is thoroughly excited when the £1 cash prize is reached, and in a rush of confidence, hits the ‘continue’ button. When, at this crucial stage, a member of the team hits the wrong answer, the crowd will remark to that member ‘bad skills’ or ‘f-unlucky’, whichever is more appropriate in the situation.

Playing a JPM game is not about the ‘chance of a reward’. The cash reward offered by the machine is a gimmick for those who want to give the game some purpose. The real reward is the good times one has, the true closeness that that group of friends will then be able to enjoy, that lovely feeling when one’s wallet is so much lighter.

1. (Evening) Dude, shall we test our knowledge on JPM's Who Wants to be a Millionaire (TM) ?

2. (Next Day) Man, last night JPM rinsed me for all I was worth. That's the end of my overdraft.

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wcs

An anacronym standing for "World Championship Snooker". This is perhaps one of the finest snooker games ever to be made, not least due to the insightful commentary provided by Dennis Taylor.

Mate, you up for some wcs?

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