H.P.

A little-known tantric technique developed by Slavic “sexperts” who had mastered all previous forms of stimulation. The exact combination of positions and breathing cadence is unknown, but some scholars believe H.P. involves holding one’s breath for extended periods of time while fondling the genitals with kitchen equipment. As such, copious amounts of lubrication are essential.

Perhaps one day, the ancient Slavic scrolls will be discovered again. Until then, anyone interested in practicing H.P. is advised to proceed with caution.

Me: “Did you hear about that couple? I heard they were about to go do HP”
Her: “No way, that’s so unique. I wish we could!!”
Me: “I know, me too - but it’s such a closely guarded secret. We’ll probably never know, but I’ve heard H.P. means a Slavic kitchen kink”