hardy-on

A physiological effect experienced by some gay and bisexual men, upon seeing and/ or thinking about British actor Tom Hardy.

"Robert, you can take that hardy-on out of my back right now and get over to your side of the bed. You've been watching Taboo again, haven't you?"

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cock screamer

n. A morning wood erection so shocking in its ferocity that the phenomenon has been described by eminent scientists as the physical equivalent of a prolonged, audible scream. Occurs without warning, and does not require sexual stimuli. Usually occurs during sleep, leading to awakening caused by its severity. Duration is commonly protracted. Unlike a typical erection, a cock screamer is hard enough to bang a nail into a wall.

"Ken, I know it's early but I think that's the postman knocking on the front door with my parcel. Would you get out of bed and get it for me? I can't find my underwear again, and the last time I answered the door naked to him, he fell backwards and broke his wrist."

"Sorry Joan, there's no way I can get it. I've got a real cock screamer going on down here and it's showing no signs of calming down. If I open the door I'll take the lad's fucking eye out."