UUAIS

(pronounced: “you-ace”)

Universe Unfolding As It Should

A theoretical phenomenon ensuring that ostensibly meaningless and even unfavorable events in one’s life will culminate in a positive outcome, as orchestrated by metaphysical forces that transcend human comprehension.

UUAIS is usually acknowledged in hindsight. The cosmic energies driving UUAIS are not perceptible elements that enable one to anticipate an occurrence characterized by UUAIS. However, recognizing mundane or trivial events as constituent to UUAIS, deliberately perceiving adverse events with neutrality, and acquiescing to the conditions of one’s immediate situation—all may lead to a more desirable future reality. Embracing the deterministic but auspicious aspects of UUAIS may invoke a Zen-like sense of equilibrium.

Coincidence, serendipity, and kismet are products of UUAIS. Despite its association with one’s personal sensory and cognitive experience, UUAIS ultimately applies to a comprehensive schema subsumed by every possible multiverse, substantiating the connected nature of all things organic and mineral. Whether or not this universal schema is preordained is unknown and thereby irrelevant.

UUAIS does not apply to devastating tragedies or negatively life-altering developments. Ain’t nobody got time for that.

(see also: silver lining)

Montrezl was severely bummed when he didn’t get the job at Pubetech in Cupertino, but as UUAIS would have it, a recruiter called out of the blue to offer him a job with higher pay, less stodgy corporate culture, and the option to work from home fulltime.

shitstix!

shitstix!: (exclamation) :: c. 2022, New Knowltonese A mildly offensive exclamation of aggravation, disgust, or other form of piss-offedness. When written, "shitstix!" must always include an exclamation point (!) and also be italicized.

Well shitstix! Samus tugged on her leash, threw me off balance, and I fell back and landed in a perimitird.

BDHI

(Bayer-Day Happiness Index)*

The BDHI is assessed on a 10-point Likert scale with 10 being highest. The metric only applies to the very moment the assessment is made, inclusive of all concurrent variables impacting a person’s happiness. This entails environmental factors that affect immediate sensory perceptions such as comfort level (e.g., attending a conference in which the room is cold as fuck), general mood (e.g., annoyed by present company), and physiological status (e.g., well-rested, happily buzzed, remorsefully hungover, gassy, and so on). One’s BDHI assessment is subject to continuous fluctuation and volatility, as the reported score only pertains to the now.

Extreme psychometrics on the BDHI spectrum are: 1 = suicidal; 10 = ecstatic.**

* The BDHI was developed by Chris James Bayer and Chet Robert Day circa 2021.

** Bolth these scores on the continuum are very rare because they indicate a willingness to die (in the moment of nirvanic elation or crushing despair), but for opposite reasons.

CJB: “How are you today?”
Chet: “In what sense?”
CJB: “What’s your BDHI?”
Chet: “Oh. It’s about a 7.5.”
CJB: “Got it.”

vizzies

n. (always plural) :: boogers inside one's nose that are visible to others; bats in the cave

“Oh shit. Shirah is coming over this way. Do I have any vizzies?” asked Tommy.
“No, you’re good,” said Chris, lying to him.

perimiturd

perimiturd: (noun) :: c. 2022, New Knowltonese A dog turd lying beneath any structure, especially one with a continuous physical border (a perimeter). E.g., a building, fence, fire hydrant, park bench, etc.

Shitstix! Samus tugged her leash, threw me off balance, and I fell back against a telephone pole and landed in a perimiturd.