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An expression used when an action or situation has not only fucked or will fuck you in multiple ways, but will leave you fucked for a long time afterwards.
I just got fired from my job and I'm late on the mortgage, am making payments on a car whose transmission is slipping, have maxed out credit cards I'm never gonna pay off, multiple accounts in collections and I still owe Bob a new grill when I ran it over drunk driving last weekend. I'm fucked nine ways to Sunday.
Cop: Sir, I need you to pop the trunk.
Guy: Got a search warrant?
Cop: Right here.
Guy: I'm fucked nine ways to Sunday...
John: Dude, Brock Lesnar's at the door waiting for you. Says he's real pissed about you slapping him in the back of the head then running off at the bar last night.
Bob: Oh shit, THAT'S who that was?
John: ...Dude, you're fucked nine ways to Sunday.
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Pull a John Preston is the act of single-handedly fucking up a group of people in the most awesome way imaginable while using a gun/pair of guns/club/pair of clubs/katana/your bare goddamned fists. It doesn't matter what you use because you're such a badass the fight will be over in seconds leaving nothing but a circle of bodies around you.
An individual capable of pulling a John Preston is not to be fucked with. Seriously, they can shoot you without even looking at you, dodge bullets and know what you're thinking before you do.
"Man, I was at the bar last night and there was this fight that broke out. All of a sudden, some guy pulls a John Preston with a pool cue and before I know it there's, like, eight guys KO'd on the floor. It was awesome!"
"I was heading to my car to go to work and suddenly a ninja posse appears in front of me. So I pulled a John Preston on them. Wasn't even late for work."
"So, I storm into this building and there's, like, twenty guys with rifles shooting at me. I drop my M4, whip out my Berettas and pull a John Preston on them. Wonder if they'll give me a Congressional Medal of Badassery?"
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The first person that you want as a friend, the last person that you want as an enemy.
Joe: My Trans Am's pretty sweet but I really don't know diddly squat about cars. I need to befriend a good mechanic so I can keep her running sweet.
Jon: I punched a dude at the bar last Friday. Little did I know that he would be the mechanic that would be doing my brake job last Monday. Now I'm laid up in the hospital with a fractured skull and my car's somewhere between a crusher and a foundry.
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While working on a car, these are likely the first words that you will utter when you realize that you have broken an old, rusty bolt that you were trying to remove. When this particular bolt essentially puts the vehicle out of commission until it is resolved and you have, like, two hours to fix the problem, the "fuck" becomes an all-caps "FUCK" and is spoken accordingly.
"Alright, I removed 10 of 12 intake manifold bolts no problem. Now for number 11..."
CRACK!
"Oh fuck..."
Bob: This SOB bolt won't budge!
Joe: Try the breaker bar.
Bob: Alright, let's do it. Hnngh!
CRACK!
Bob: Oh fuck...
Bill: Oh fuck...
John: What happen?
Bill: I just broke one of the cylinder head mounting bolts.
John: What the fuck?! How did you manage...no, fuck it. You better sort it out because I told the customer the car would be ready in two hours.
Bill: But I need longer than...oh FUCK!
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A style of shotgun characterized by it's light weight, short barrel (18.5 - 20"), open-choke, pump-action feed/eject mechanism and is almost always 12-gauge in caliber. Such a gun is typically relatively cheap because there are a billion import brands that use this design and anyone who can scrape up a couple hundred bucks can acquire one. Due to it's design, a riot gun is easy to maneuver, maintain and operate. Loaded with buckshot, a riot gun (or any shotgun) will "remove flesh and bone" at close range. Very powerful. For increased range and/or penetration of thicker/tougher targets, a riot gun will fire any manner of slug no problem with impressive results.
The drawbacks to a riot gun include heavy recoil (due to it's heavy payload and light weight), limited ammo capacity, short range and relatively weak armor penetration (with buckshot). Overall with proper ammo, a riot gun is excellent choice for close-range combat and even if you don't kill your target with the first shot, you'll probably slow/stun/knock them down enough to get the fuck out of there or hit them again.
The Winchester 1897 in riot/trench style could be considered the first riot gun. With a 20-inch barrel, this gun killed the fuck out of whoever tried to enter an American battlefield trench in World War 1. The gun was so effective that Germany tried to have it banned from warfare but was ultimately unsuccessful.
A simple, but versatile phrase used to introduce a bad-ass possession, especially in a troublesome situation where said possession will have great effect. Also quite useful when you simply want to "one-up" someone by having a more bad-ass version of their object.
It is very important to speak the phrase slowly while emphasizing "this," because it sounds more bad-ass that way.
Originally used by Barry Burton in Resident Evil. After giving Jill ammo for a grenade launcher, Jill asks Barry what he has for a weapon. Barry responds "I have THIS!" while proudly raising his .357 Magnum Colt Python, which is both a bad-ass gun in the game and real life.
Barry: It's REALLY powerful, especially against living things! Better take it with you! *gives launcher ammo*
Jill: But how about you, Barry?
Barry: I have THIS! *raises Python*
Bob: I got this thirty of Budweiser. I'm gonna get more fucked up than you!
John: I doubt it, because I have THIS! *holds up bottle of Jรยคgermeister*
Joe: Man, these fucking weeds out back are as big as trees! I can't even drive the mower INTO them, let alone MOW them!
Jeff: No problem, man. I have THIS! *activates flamethrower*
An expression referencing a severe ass whooping which can be delivered/received by hands, feet and/or objects. More than one deliverer may be involved. To get one's shit caved in is to be left incapacitated on the ground with bruises, bleeding and/or broken bones. The victim may or may not be left conscious although it is considered more appropriate to leave the victim conscious so they can feel their entire body hurt while thinking about what they did to get their shit caved in. Considering the scope of the ass kicking, it is entirely possible for the victim to literally get their shit kicked back into their ass if they needed to take a dump at the time.
In extreme cases, getting one's shit caved in results in death.
The word ordering can be modified in a few ways depending on usage. See examples.
Dominic Toretto once caved a guy's shit in when said guy caused the death of Dominic's father.
Near the end of Sin City, Detective Hardigan caved Junior Roark's shit in.
Before getting shot in the back of the head, Johnny Vang got his shit caved in by Chev Chelios.