Well, fuck me, Gumby

A phrase of surprise. A reaction to something unexpected. Often followed by "And Pokey too." from a bro who is equally surprised

Dude: Hey, Donald Trump got the nomination.
Second dude: Well, fuck me, Gumby!
Third dude: And Pokey too!

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fuck me up the ass and call me stupid

A phrase of utter and complete shock and surprise in the most extreme sense.

Bro: Hey, Donald Trump won the election!
Other bro: Well, fuck me up the ass and call me stupid.

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if that don’t beat all

An expression of surprise - as in that is the most odd thing ever.

Bro: holy shit, Trump won the election!
Second bro: If that don’t beat all.