Rolex Ugly

Rolex ugly is the ugly cousin of coyote ugly and double-coyote ugly. Rolex ugly occurs after a night of drunken stupidity when you wake up to find a hideous creature in your bed. Last night’s six-pack beauty queen has somehow transformed into a hideous creature who isn’t suitable for mating with other humans. Rather than wake your Sleeping Ugly, you chew off your arm leaving behind your appendage along with your $18,000 Rolex Submariner.

Dude, what happened to your arm and your watch?
Hey man, had to gnaw that fucker off this morning.
Wha?
Yeah man, that chick was Rolex ugly!
Dude!

Gorilla Nipples

The presence of large, usually dark, areolas the size of saucers or small plates on a male who has big, floppy, hairy man boobs. These areolas are big enough to choke a donkey or give a small infants stretch marks, were they to attempt to feed from these monstrosities. Commonly possessed by football players in the PAC-12 who weigh 300-plus pounds, have black locks, and tons of back hair.

While Bif is enjoying a Mai Tai poolside, he spits out his drink when he notices a defensive lineman from USC sauntering up thunderously wearing size 6XX swim trunks with his huge areolas fully exposed. "Hey Skip, check out that dude's man boobs. I mean, he has some serious Texas-sized gorilla nipples."

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macaroni monster

Descriptive term for any fat bastard who puts on a football uniform and calls himself an athlete. Most often, it's a linebacker who weighs over 300 pounds and has tree trunks for legs, an ass so large it deserves its own zip code, and a gut that hangs down so far that he can't see his junk. Without the uniform, he'd look like a beer-guzzling hot-dog noshing lardass fan. But, put a number on his back, some padding, and helmet and he gets paid millions of dollars to stand in middle of a football field and push other macaroni monsters.

Examples: William "The Refrigerator" Perry, Aaron Gibson, Terrance "Pot Roast" Knighton

"Dude! Didja see that. Holy crap! That macaroni monster just sacked the quarterback."
"Yeah man. He's such a macaroni monster he needs three other dudes to help him up."