talking chimp

A variety of chimp which has mastered the rudiments of speech. These creatures inhabit urban areas, attracted to cities by burger bars such as McDonald's. They can be trained to drive motor vehicles, which they frequently steal. Also known as nignogs.

My car's been nicked!

Must've been a talking chimp. There are thousands around here. Blame McDonald's.

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David the Grunting Spacker

A retarded, thick-lipped checkout assistant who stares at the ceiling while serving you and grunts instead of speaking.

Dad: Shall we go to Asda then?

Monkus: Only if we can go to David's till.

Dad: David the Grunting Spacker?

Monkus: Yeah. The fat spaz makes me piss.

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Maltby Heroes

The legendary drivers of Maltby lorries who display Pork Scotch's cone in the back in order to taunt important security guards and provide amusement to everyone else. Otherwise known as comic geniuses.

Flobule: Look Dad, the cone's still there! Why don't they take it out?

Dad: Because they're heroes, son. Maltby heroes.

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Kofi Kingston

A wrestler from Ghana who pretends to be Jamaican.

What's the name of that Jamaican wrestler with the mop on his head?

That's Kofi Kingston and he's no Jamaican. He's from Ghana, which is only about 5,000 miles from Jamaica.

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Scotchy's Shit-Wagon

Alternative name for the Pork Scotch Van or half-car after a huge frozen dump was put on the roof of it. The crap thawed out overnight and was nicely baking in the sun the next day before the Scotchers emerged for their daily jaunt to buy barbecue food. Scotchy didn't spot it at first so he drove round with a turd just a few inches from his fat bald koala head.

Bloody hell what's that I can smell?

That'll be Scotchy's Shit-Wagon. He still hasn't persuaded Goofy Granny to clean it off.

Filthy old bastard.

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Nogtard

Abbreviation of "nignog retard". A spasticated black shit with diarrhoea-juice for brains. Walks around with its gob wide open for catching flies. Only speaks when stating the bloody obvious, for example when it sees someone struggling with 15 Asda carrier bags and asks them "Have you been shopping?".

Have you seen that gormless black shit with its gob wide open?

Yeah, that's the Patrick Road Nogtard. It fell out of its tree and the rest of the chimps won't let it back up.

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koala head

Name given to someone with a head which is exactly the same shape as a koala's head. Usually only fat bald security guards can achieve this interspecific resemblance. The effect can be heightened if the koala-headed person has his hair cut in the Pork Scotch style.

Why has someone brought a koala to the braaivleis?

They haven't. What you're looking at is the Porky Scotcher. The ugly bastard has a koala head.

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