Scotch Fugly

The highest level of ugliness. A truly unbelievable degree of repulsiveness usually only achieved by little fat security guards.

Ugliness levels:

1 ugly

2 pug ugly

3 fugly

4 pug fugly

5 super pug fugly

6 scotch fugly

72👍 14👎

Nogtard's pants

Tent-sized light blue Y-fronts worn by Nogtard. First spotted on 22nd August when Nogtard stopped in the street and lifted his polo shirt. The pants were halfway up his chest and of a style not made since 1987. How often he changes them is anyone's guess.

Are we getting a marquee for my birthday party?

Not sure we'll get one big enough for all those guests we've got coming. We'll have to use Nogtard's pants instead.

23👍 3👎

Maxwells

A South African word for 'bollocks'. The word was coined in the 1980s by South Africans who came to realise that English men called Maxwell talk nothing but bollocks.

Pork Scotch: I've got a girlfriend.

South African person: Maxwells! That's not a girl. Its a vampire turkey from hell.

269👍 98👎

Caravandal

A person who is so tall they can destroy a caravan by just standing up in it. As he stands up the caravandal's head smashes through the roof and the caravan is then ruined.

Anyone who is 5' 10" should be banned from caravans. They're all caravandals.

64👍 3👎

Big Bad Scotch

The name assumed by a fat security guard who thinks that sitting in the gatehouse of a pie factory makes him the most important man in the world. He spends most of his working day reading his newspaper and demanding to see the ID of the only people of lower grade than him - the toilet cleaners.

Stop! Who goes there?

None of your fat business. Who the hell are you?

I am the Scotch, the Big Bad Scotch.

Correction. You're a fat ugly nobody with little legs and a gay moustache.

45👍 17👎

Asda Bog Cleaner

A retard who cleans the bogs at Asda. These mentally-unfortunate individuals can often be seen fishing out unflushable Hill biscuits with a net and eating them for lunch.

What's David doing?

Fishing out the Snuf biscuits for lunch. Can't get enough of those lovely bourbons. Typical Asda bog cleaner!

199👍 36👎

Pak Magic

Eggs.

Grandad curry-hat's idea of black magic is having eggs placed in his hedge by Nogtard as a revenge prank for having bourbons posted through his letterbox.

The old twat was so terrified he phoned the landlady next door, shaking in his turban.

How come there are eggs in the hedge? Was it a student prank?

No, I think you'll find its Pak Magic.

67👍 14👎