Holy Cross

A small but prestigious Jesuit undergraduate college of old money, it is located on a ‘hill’ overlooking a mid-sized cesspool (Worcester, MA) and filled to the brim with rich white kids studying to be whiter and richer (when they aren’t totally hammered). The historic campus is a designated ‘arboretum’ which just means that olden day people planted lots of trees there so that drunken kids could later pee on them. The trees and fancy old buildings don’t make up for the fact that the campus is on the side of a damn mountain and the many stairs become death chutes during the notoriously snowy winters –which last till May. The food is of the lowest quality although gaining weight is rare due to the fact that crossing campus requires climbing between several altitudinal zones. A’s are not given to students at and those who seek them are readily advised to attend easier schools –like Harvard. Holy Cross has the highest academic rating of any Catholic institution in the country (98/100) and ranks above most comparably snobbish colleges (see ‘Ivy League’). To lessen the obvious pains of academic life most students resort to aggressively binge drinking in large groups throughout the week, continuing to pursue the activity in a more belligerent form over weekends. Though most students never want to leave, graduation compensates them with a 65k+ starting salary, a fondness for Vineyard Vines, and life membership to AA.

–“Joe, didn't you go to Harvard?”

–“No, I went to 'cause I'm not Asian and I drink too much.”

–“I’m applying to Holy Cross because I want to make more money than my asshole friends at Georgetown”

–“Dude I like those pink shorts.”
–“I got them when I went to Holy Cross.”

–“How do you remember? You got alcohol poisoning last time you were there.”

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