h.a.m.

Abbreviation for "half-assed mustache". When someone with very little ability to grow a mustache nevertheless attempts to do so and ends up with a faint line of upper-lip hair. Usually found on pubescent males. Often a sign of the wearer's insecurity concerning his own masculinity.

"Anticipating the arrival of her blind-date, Tammy envisioned a dashing, debonair Southern gentleman - a well-coiffed, mustachioed Rhett Butler - however, her hopes wilted like day-old daisies when she was picked up by Wayne in his uncle's Camaro wearing a muscle-shirt and sweatpants complementing his newly-grown h.a.m. and a luxuriant mullet."

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ham

Abbreviation for "half-assed mustache". When someone with very little ability to grow a mustache nevertheless attempts to do so and ends up with a faint line of upper-lip hair. Usually found on pubescent males. Often a sign of the wearer's insecurity concerning his own masculinity.

"Billy-Ray's attempt to buy alcohol with a fake i.d. was hampered by his high-pitched voice, his short stature and his ham which, when viewed from a distance of greater than a foot, appeared less like a mustache and more like a slight smear of chocolate milk."

Billy-Ray: "How-do, lovely lady? In addition to this bottle of MD 20/20, I'd like a pack of Lucky Strikes, please."

Cashier: "May I see your i.d. sir?"

Billy-Ray: "Sure thing, doll."

Cashier: "Listen, Magnum P.I., you're not fooling anyone with that pitiful ham! Got Milk? Get the hell outta here before I call the cops!"

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