clever-clogs

someone who thinks they're quite intelligent
usually used in a mocking fashion, although it can also be meant literally

Susie: "I found a new way to spread butter on corn-on-the-cob with a basting brush!"
Susie's mum: "Well, aren't we the clever-clogs?"

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thick as two short planks

an expression defining how stupid someone is; chiefly British.
i.e.: the thickness of two planks of wood stacked one atop the other.
sometimes shortened to "two short planks"

"Whoah, you're thick as two short planks!"

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