pongo walt

A guy who thinks he's in the armed forces (namely army) but is actually a shit-munching scrote. 'Pongo Walts' also tend to be tall beyond the atmosphere, similar in look and smell to the BFG.

My mate thinks he's nails, but he's actually a Pongo Walt. That's why he's on the sex offender's register.

Uncle Albert

A general peadophile. Someone who is sexually interested in boys and girls; men and women; A metrosexual.
Can often be used to describe someone who uses instant messaging and chat rooms to communicate with subjects without giving (away) their true identity.

"There is an Uncle Albert talking to me on MSN. He wants to meet me."