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Rules of the Classroom:
1) Never date single mothers. Dating equals porking.
-Too much of a risk. She already made one mistake and some guy is paying out his asshole for the next 18 years of his life. Probably paying vaginamony, also known as alimony and/or child support. Also the kid will always remain #1 in the relationship. You will always take the backseat. Although single mothers may seem to be "easy," you don't want to deal with this baggage if all you want to do is bang. There are plenty of chicks out there without children... including in Seattle believe it or not.
2) Never spend more than $40 on a date. If possible, let her pay for everything.
-There is no reason you should feel obligated to pay for anything. However, there is nothing wrong with splitting things 50/50. If you can get away without paying a dime...great. More tail for less money bottom line.
3) If she doesn't bang you by the third date, Dump That Bitch (DTB)
-Chances are she has no intention of EVER screwing you. Why should you invest your time when all she just wants to do is string you along. You would be wasting time and money so move on. If she really wants to bang you, she will come to you after the third date ends.
4) No spooning, cuddling, hugging, or staying over.
-Get in and get out. (No pun intended). If all you wanna do is bang, this can send them the wrong message that you want more.
5) Never get involved with a co-worker unless you dont mind losing your job over it.
-In today's world, a man can be burned with sexual harassment very easily. Limit your conversations with female co-workers to the following:
A) Hello
B) How are you (that's optional)
C) Goodbye
6) Women like men who are assholes.
-If a woman sees that you are a pussy, she will walk all over you. If they think that you are a busy guy and hard to get a hold of, the more they will want in your pants.
7) The "Looks/Self-Esteem Ratio"
The number at the top of the ratio is a 1-10 rating on her looks...you want this to be as high as possible. The number at the bottom of the ratio her self-esteem...you want this to be as low as possible. (i.e. a 9/4 is a nice catch. 5/10 ratio would translate to TMW or Too Much Work) Also if the self-esteem digit is too low, it could lead to problems such as a "lick-it-around-the-edge" type of chick.
8) Never buy a chick flowers, candies, teddy bears, etc.
-It is a waste of money. Buying a chick gifts with the intent on getting in her panties is usually a waste. There is no guarantee you'll get some just because you bought her gifts. Doing so would break rule #2 easily. A woman decides within the first 5 minutes of meeting you whether or not she wants to have sex with you and no amount of limo rides, expensive gifts, or fine dining is going to change her mind.
9) Men and women can't be friends.
-For a woman, a guy friend is just a guy waiting for a chance to get in her pants. They are thinking about it all the time. These are usually the same guys who will wait for any sort of breakdown between you and the chick. Then they will swoop in. If you plan on having any sort of relationship with a certain chick, do not allow guy friends. By the way, never be a guy friend.
10) Women like to keep guys on the back-burner.
-Most like to keep their options open...always having someone available on the side. Don't let this be you. You will find it very hard to get out of.
11) Chicks with nice racks will usually tell you about it.
-If you ask a chick if "do you have a nice rack" and she gets offended, it usually means she is a member of SAG. Women with nice racks usually have no problem with talking about it...sometimes in great detail. BOIINGG!
12) Catholic school equals crack in the ass.
-If you are dating (a.k.a. porking) a chick that went to catholic school. She probably likes a nice crack in the ass once in a while, maybe more often. Give her what she wants.
13) Men don't like to dance
-Men will dance to get laid. Women dance to get men and attention. If you are an exeption, you are probably gay or latino.
14) Women by nature are attention whores.
-Self-explanatory.
15) Chicks like to travel in packs.
-This allows the hot one a means to escape. Usually it's the ugly one in the group that will ruin your chance of separating one of them from the group. Your chances of getting laid are better when you split them up.
16) Fat chicks give good hummers.
-Fat chicks love to eat.
17) Never get married untill you are a minimum 25, recommended 30.
-Lack of experience. Wait untill you've had your share of partying. If you are considering a threesome for example, do it before you get married to get it out of your system.
18) Never carry or hold a chicks purse.
-They are testing you. Don't do it, bottom line.
19) Buying Drinks helps.
-Women like to have the booze factor. A little yagermeister works wonders. Also when a guy buys a chick a drink, it means he either:
A) he wants to see her naked
B) he wants to bang her
C) both.
These are some of the Rules of Leykis 101.
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"The on-going on-air adult education course that teaches men how to get more tail for less money...more importantly...teaches women how men really think."
"Teaches you how to have sex without relationships, avoid serious commitments, avoid marriage, avoid the clutches of women who want your money or your time, women who want to waste all that valuable time when you could be gettin some somewhere else"
Taught by the professor Tom Leykis, who is a cunning linguist, master debator, and an amateur gynecologist. Tom Leykis is also a board licensed interpreter who can interpret women into english.
I am a student of Leykis 101.
I am a Leykis 101 graduate.
Leykis 101 airs every Thursday on The Tom Leykis Show.
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Leykis 101 students know what dating is all about. Dating equals porking. We do not go on dates to give a woman an I.Q. test, show you new restaurants, or show you fine wines. We go out with you in order to get laid. When we do that, we don't hear a word you say. Understand that on a first date, we do not hear a word. All that stuff you're telling us about: your job, where you grew up, your mom and dad, your siblings, your best friend, your girlfriends, what movies you seen recently, what tv shows you like to watch...blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah. That is just backround noise while we try figure out how to get enough alcohol in your gut so you'll find us attractive and take your clothes off. That whole time we are wondering what you look like naked, and that's really all we care about. Hate to disappoint you ladies, but we do not take you out on a date to put you on final jeopardy to see how smart you are. We hope you're stupid. We really do not care about how intelligent you are. We wanna see you naked. That's it, bottom line, end of story
Leykis 101 students are also known as jerks or assholes, and we're proud of it. People think they are insulting us by telling us that we're jerks or assholes. You call us a jerk, we wear it like a badge. You bet we're jerks. We'll call you, and we won't call you for three weeks, we'll put you on ice. Then when we call you back, you'll feel lucky we finally called you back. You won't see us calling you back at 6:30 the next morning after a date saying "How are you sweetheart, did you have a good time last night?" Forget it.
Leykis 101 students do not compliment the women we are with, we do not tell them they are beautiful, we do not tell them they are dressed nicely, we do not compliment their taste in decorating, that's what gay friends are for. We don't do that. The more we compliment women, the less likely it is their gonna put out. If you tell a woman "God! You're hot." or "God! You're attractive." All she'll say to herself is "If I am this hot, I could do much better than him." No compliments.
Leykis 101 students don't spend more than $40 on a date... $0 is optimum. We have various ways of avoiding buying dinner for you. A good one is to call a woman up and ask her "What time are you having dinner tonight?" and she'll just blindly answer "Oh about 7:30, 8:00."..."Great. You should be done about 9:30. Why don't we hook up for a drink around 10:00." And what she doesn't realize of course is you just ace'd her out of dinner. If you had asked her that question the wrong way she might have said "Well, I tell you what, I don't have any plans, what about you and me?"..."No, no. You eat dinner, we'll meet later."
Leykis 101 students do not date single mothers. She already made at least one mistake and we don't want to be paying for the next one. We don't do it. Single mothers also have very hard times getting babysitters and you will never be the focus of her attention, ever. If we date strippers, we don't fall in love with them and we never ever ever ever ever give them money. Ever, ever, ever.
Leykis 101 students always use condoms because we believe in control in the phrase birth control. We have control when we keep you from getting our sperm. It's that simple. Women lie about birth control. They say they can't get pregnant, say they are on the pill, say don't worry about it, or whatever. If what they want is to get in your wallet, they will lie and you will have no way of knowing untill you end up paying for 18 years. A trick that some students have put into practice is after having sex, go to the bathroom and put some tabasco inside the condom before you throw it away. If the chick does decide to empty the contents of the condom inside her in order to get herself pregnant, she will be in for a suprise when her vagina gets a severe burning sensation, which will immediately alert you to her motives.
Leykis 101 students do not tolerate cell phone calls in the middle of a date. If we are paying for your meal, we are in essence paying for your exclusivity, we don't want you talking to other people while we are buying you dinner. We are paying for your attention. If a chick answers the telephone in the middle of dinner, it means one of two things: her babysitter, in which case, you shouldn't be with her anyway; or it's the guy she's gonna hook up with later, Pointdexter, after she gets you to pay the bill for this meal. That also includes when a woman answers the phone in the middle of dinner and says "Hi, I'm with a 'friend' right now, can I call you back." Any time a woman calls somebody like you a "friend" That means she is talking to another guy. Frequently, this is followed 5 minutes later by "I'm gonna go to the ladies room and freshen up, is that okay?" and she takes her purse, with the cellphone in it, in the ladies room and calls that guy back. That's the guy whose gettin some tonight, not you. What we recommend is that when her cell phone goes off in the middle of a meal, and she picks it up and talks to sombody, you stand up, excuse yourself from the table, go to the valet, get in your car, and go. Let her pay for the meal and let the next guy that's gonna be doin her later, let him come and pick her up...at the restauranut...where she just paid for dinner. Don't you pay.
Your goal, when you take a woman out boozing, is to get her directly from the bar to the bed, where you're gonna do the dirty deed. If she tries to philabuster by saying "I know this great dance club." or "I know this club that's open late." or "I'm hungry. Can we just go to Denny's and get some breakfast?" Wherever it is she's saying she wants to go, you tell her you'll drop her off. You have to get up early in the morning. If that chick puts a grand slam breakfast in her gut, she's not gonna kiss you with bacon mouth boy. She's not doin it. She's using the breakfast element to philabuster and then later on she's gonna say "Oh my God! It's 4:30! I gotta be at work in the morning!" and then she's gonna blow you off. Don't let her do that. After you have been boozing, if she tries to tell you that she wants to go eat, she's telling you that she doesn't want to have sex, with you.
Leykis 101 students know that we do not wanna be friends with women. We tell women that we are their friends in order to hopefully get in there and nail them, ultimatley. That's the only reason we do it. Unless they're gay. Those men that are gay, well maybe they do want to be friends with these chicks, and we don't trust all of them. Some of them are on the fence. But straight men definitly do not want to be friends with women. We don't. We want to have sex. Will we also go to a ballgame with you? Oh sure, but we want sex. If we are talking to you and hanging out with you without having sex, it is usually because we are waiting for you to have a fight with your boyfriend, that night will come when he acts like a jerk, or he forgets your birthday, doesn't bring you flowers. There will be some night where you have a stupid argument and we are gonna be there waitning over you like vultures. No two ways about it.
Leykis 101 students know that there are various ways to make women desire us more. Pretending to have money. Not answering your phone on the weekend. Got an answeing machine? Let the machine take them. Take calls from your buddies on the weekends. Chicks that will not definitely put out, there are nights for them. They are called Monday, Tuesday, and Wednesday. Those are the nights when you go out with chicks you are prospecting. The weekends are reserved for real fun, either getting laid or going out with your friends. That's it. None of this first date stuff on a Saturday night. Do not waste your Saturday night on some chick that you know is not gonna pay off. It's that simple.
Leykis 101 students are the real men of today.
Over the years men have become "pussified," and Leykis 101 is in place to restore what real men are supposed to be.
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