nostalgia

The feeling of sadness mixed with tints of happiness. The best and most obscure state of agony you can every ask for. Nostalgia hides within the tears you shed for what you've lost that was once here but has faded away piece by piece. Nostalgia can be how your best friend tells you your childhood has expired. It first is invisible, then slowly it becomes translucent. As time passes by followed by the tears you shed for those people and things you once had but never cherished, nostalgia shows itself, it's reflection imprinted on your tears.

When you realise that what you used to love has become nothing but a mere memory. You will never look at a teddy bear the same way you used to. You will no longer go to sleep with your mother's smoochy kisses on your forehead, having an array of soft toys lying on your bed. You will no longer watch your so called "childish" cartoons. And this feeling, when all these thoughts hit you, is the one and only, 'Nostalgia'. This word nostalgia is not merely a word. It is colorful and colourless at the same time. It is empty and wholesome at the same time. Nostalgia is like a colouring book. Once all filled in, then fading away as the marker's colours dry out.

Nostalgia itself is vaguer than any word you'd ever be in contact with. Even the longest, most hard to spell words in the dictionary is less ambiguous than the simple word 'Nostalgia'. Nostalgia hurts more than needles but makes you light up a warm smile between the pain it gifts you with.

Rain was my symbol of nostalgia. When I feel, hear, touch and perceive rain, I automatically and uncontrollably shed tears. These tears were not for myself, not for any other person but my past self, the memories I've made that will never return. I was back in first grade, sitting at the bus. The memories could not have been more blurry but it still remains so clear in my heart as if it had just been etched onto it. I was sitting at the sixth row, and it was raining. I led my head onto the windowsill and raced the water droplets. It meant more than one day at the school bus for me. It wasn't just a simple memory, because this very memory unlocked a chamber in my heart. It made me realise I was no longer the first grader sleeping with a teddy bear everyday anymore. I knew suddenly that I would never feel what I felt before. That feeling of hopelessness that floats inside my body, around my gut travelling my digestive system.

There is no need for examples, for there is only the real feeling of nostalgia when you feel it. Nostalgia cannot be seen, shown, or heard. It can only be perceived. You feel it, you know it.

Remember, you only know you felt it when your can feel yourself hurt, crying and smiling at the same time. By that time, you'll know. Trust me.