the paper

Shorthand for newspaper. Bet you thought it was something else. Get your head out of the gutter, bro.

You read the paper? No? Bet you can't even read.

srsbzns

Short for serious business. Also spelled as "srs bzns" if you want to get fancy and all

Person A - School's out.
Person B - ORLY?
Person A - YARLY.
Person B - bullshit.
Person A - Srsbzns. Check the news, smart one.
Person B - My bad.

phone abyss

When your phone is lost to the point of no return, like underneath a seat in a car.

"Dude, I can't find my phone anywhere!"
"Bro, did you check the phone abyss?"